Rape-Related Pregnancy and Pregnancy Loss

About Me

Please be aware this section contains content that may be upsetting, including some graphic details.

The Short Story:

I was abused, raped and tortured by my grandfather and his "mates" (with the help of my grandmother) from when I was a baby till his last attack when I was 24.  I'm 35 now.  I've always remembered some of what happened.  But, until both my grandparents had died, I had traumatic amnesia for almost all of it.  My grandfather died at the end of 2001 and my grandmother in mid-2004.  Memories started flooding back in 2005.  It's been a rough ride for my then-boyfriend now-husband and me, as well as family and friends.  Remembering the little ones I've lost and how I lost them has been perhaps the hardest thing of all.

I was 12 the first time I became pregnant through rape.  My grandfather and his friends (one of whom was a doctor) induced labour in second-trimester.  I lost my little daughter.  When I was 13 I had another forced abortion, earlier in pregnancy.  I was pregnant twice when I was 14 and lost both my little ones to spontaneous miscarriages.  When I was 15 I had a second-trimester miscarriage.  I told my grandfather about it and he got off on it and raped me, putting me in a "pregnancy position" and telling me that he'd cut the next one from me and torture it to death in front of my eyes, while I was dying from the wound.  I went to a Catholic school and one day after that we were talking about abortion in class.  I wasn't fully aware that I was pregnant.  I'd blocked all memory of the rape, so I thought it wasn't possible.  I'd never had consenting sex with anyone.  I came home after school, dissociated, and wondered "how that backyard abortion coat hanger thing worked".  So I tried it.  I had some bleeding and was very confused.  It's possible the external trauma to my cervix caused me to have a delayed miscarriage - a labour-like experience in second trimester.  I became pregnant again at 17.  My grandfather drugged and tortured me, intending to cause a miscarriage.  I had another labour-like miscarriage in second trimester and lost my little one.

The More Complete Version:

If you want to know more about my experiences and understand better the process of recovering memories, there are detailed accounts of my pregnancies, pregnancy losses and reactions when I remembered on these pages.  You can also see the page here about Recovering Memories. .

Forced Abortion 1, Age 12
Forced Abortion 2, Age 13
Miscarriage 1, Age 14
Miscarriage 2, Age 14
Miscarriage 3, Age 15
Miscarriage 4, Age 16
Miscarriage 5, Age 17

Poem by Me:

The Lost Ones