Rape-Related Pregnancy and Pregnancy Loss

Feelings and Thoughts - Different Experiences of Rape-Related Pregnancy and Pregnancy Loss

 

Please be aware that this section may be upsetting and contain graphic details.

Questions I asked:

1. When you thought you might be pregnant how did you feel?
2. When you found out you were how did you feel (did that change)?
3. How did your feelings about the pregnancy change as it progressed?
4. If you lost the baby, how did you feel then?
5. If you remembered losing the baby a long time afterward, how did you feel as you remembered?

Answers:

1. I felt scared and worried
2. When I found out I was pregnant I felt like the axis of the world had slided and i could no longer stand on my own two feet.
3. Not much, I was worried most all the time about whether the baby was my husband's or my rapists.
4. Sort of relieved and a little sad as well.

1. Scared, anxious, angry, and a little happy.
2. It didn't really change. Those feelings just kind of doubled.
3. I got happier. I haven't had the baby yet (I still have seven months), but I am looking forward to it more and more.
4. I haven't lost it. If i did though I would probably be sad, of course, because this baby is part of me now. But I might feel a little relieved, it sounds mean, but still. Though I think I would be more sad then relieved.

1. Very, very scared, angry, upset, worried, in denial.
2. I felt scared, worried I was only just 16.  I felt I couldn't tell anyone and that I was completely alone.  I was scared that it might look like him, or have his eyes, and I'd have to look into them every day and remember where and how this poor innocent baby had been brought into the world.
3. I don't think my feelings really changed. It sounds horrible and I feel terrible for saying it but I'm glad my body made up its mind, instead of me having to decide if I wanted it or not. I just felt so confused and lost.
4. I lost it when I was 3 months.  I felt conflicted, relieved that I hadn't had to make a decision on whether I wanted it or not, sad, guilty about not wanting it, and guilty now because I feel that I dont deserve to have a baby now.
I found this kind of upsetting to write, and I know its a bit brief, but I feel a bit better that I've shared it.

I was raped and got pregnant.  I had symptoms of being pregnant but always put it down to myself.  Part of me now 12 years on feels that this may have been because I didn't want to think about it. I found out i was pregnant at 3 months but this was only as was having a scan on my kidney and they said i was pregnant. I was shocked and tried not to think about how baby was conceived as they did nothing wrong.  I think the way I coped was by thinking at least I get something that will give me a lifetime of joy out of a bad experience. I was protective over my growing body and loved feeling my baby grow. When she was born all I felt was love.  When I look at her I don't think about the way she was conceived - she is my baby and I love her no matter what. I feel hate and anger towards the person that did what he did but I would never hate my child for it all - I have it love for my child.  

1. Very confused, horrified, in denial, numb, terrified, stunned, scared of rejection and judgment
2. Similar to above, plus repelled, disgusted, violated, guilty, sick, tender care for it, love, anger, despair - "here we go again"
3. I lost the pregnancy almost always at about the same time I found out I was pregnant, so it doesn't really apply ... I guess moving more from violated and feelings about me to feelings about the baby instead, and love for it, aware of it's innocence, more scared
4. Very guilty because I hadn't wanted it and it would have changed my life a lot, angry at them, angry at it, angry at me, rage, lots and lots of pain, heart-hurts, confused, numb, silenced ... no words cover this.  I have to add a little for me. When I found out and when I lost the baby (same time for sure always) then I felt like causality had been turned on it's head and the rules of the world as I knew it didn't work at all - I had never had consensual sex and I had traumatic amnesia about the rapes, so ... how was it possible to be pregnant?! So very confused and shocked and thrown into chaos.

1. When I thought I was pregnant I tried to bury my head in the sand and pretend that it wasn't happening. If I ignored it then maybe it would go away. That I would wake up from this nightmare and everything be OK again. I didn't want to face it and find out the truth. For a while I would not let the hospital check or test because if it wasn't confirmed it was so much easier to pretend. I think I went into denial and I was so scared of the future and what would happen to me and the baby if I were pregnant. That he would hurt 'us'.
2. I felt like I had this alien inside me, we nicknamed her alien for a few months. Something that was put there against my will, that I had no control over. I didn't think I would ever love her or accept her because she came from that much bad. It felt like I was still dirty and contaminated because he had left a part of him inside me. I really struggled with accepting that the baby was an innocent party in all this and it had no connection to his evil. I was worried that she would look like him, be like him. If it was a boy, would it turn out like him. I didn't think I was capable of taking his child and not seeing him every time I looked at it.
3. As the baby grew and got stronger I started to accept it more. It wasn't until the final stages before her birth that I actually felt love towards her. I started to see that she was the innocent in all this. That she did not deserve the start in life to be the rapist's baby. She was a little baby, and she needed love and care. The scans helped a lot to distinguish between him and the baby. Like you could visually see it was two different things. When she kicked she made me smile so much. I still had apprehension over what she would look like and whether she would be a reminder. But I had accepted her into my life, and knew I would do anything to protect her. I think love took over.
4. Ashleigh was three weeks old and the first cuddle I got was to watch her die. Before that she had stayed in her incubator battling for life. I don't think I have ever felt so much pain watching her slip away. She took something away from inside me. Like someone had ripped out my heart. I have never felt so empty, I was distraught. I felt like because I had been so terrible to her when she was first conceived by not accepting her, this was my punishment. I did not deserve to be a mother. I had created all the bad, and it was my fault that she had died. I felt like I had failed her because I could not love her straight away. I was so so conflicted over hate for myself and a loss of her. The need to hold her again and wish for anything that she would come back. I think it was the emptiness that hit the hardest, you still have a bump and pregnancy 'symptoms' that stop you forgetting, but you feel like your world has ended and it is a punishment.  I wrote something in my blog after she had died, I'm not sure if it will help:

She lays silent, sleeping her chest moving up and down. Rising and falling. So peacefully yet so prominent. Sit for hours watching, admiring the little miracle. Her eyelids tightly shut. Dreaming. Her skin so soft and papery. Just watching, hoping, dreaming. How can something so small and precious come from so much bad? She is perfect. Little fingers coiled around my finger. Clinging on. Her little spidery hand perfect in every way. She holds on proving she is here. Not giving up. My little fighter. The noise of the ventilator just a familiar hum in the distance. Her hair so fair and sparse. So soft on her head. A little girl. Big blue eyes so trusting and wide. Full of spirit and adventure. Exploring the room that she has only known. That she will only ever see. Intrigued by the smallest thing. One big game. One big world. Tell her stories, tell her tales. Whisper near her ear. Secrets that she will only ever know. This little being so perfect and wise. That small birth mark making you mine. That one little thing that tells you apart. Makes you so extra special. So brave and determined. Still her little chest rises and falls. How special she is, she will never know. Never learn. Never find. For this perfect little angel is taken before her time. Never to know how much she is loved. To never learn to walk or talk. Those trusting eyes gave up. Her eyes shone so bright, searching. That was enough to melt a heart. To fall in love so fast and deep. Her time was too short. Her love gone. Her cuddle she deserved from day one.To be surrounded by love she finally received. To feel the warmth and deepness, never wanting to let go. As she is torn away and given peace. 

1. I didn't feel anything. I wasn't thinking farther ahead than the next day then. I wasn't eating really and I was struggling with what had happened and I thought if I was then I would probably just not go home for nine months and give the baby up for adoption. I was staying with people who were very strict about pregnancy and sex and I was terrified that they would kick me out if they found out I was pregnant. Mostly I was still struggling too much to wonder or worry. Later though, after the fact, the thought stayed with me and ever since the thought of having a baby made me feel dirty and sinful.
2. I never found out for sure one way or the other
4. About two months after I started missing my period I got very very sick, slept for about 36 straight hours. Maybe I was never pregnant. But I guess I'll never know. At the time I was relieved. A big part of me that I'm very ashamed of was disappointed. I thought if I didn't have anything to show for what had happened to me then no one would ever believe me, and no one would understand the extent of what I had gone through. My family has always been very "well that wasn't so bad" and "its not that big of deal, stop being a wimp." I just wanted a little sympathy.
Sorry. I'm distracted and a little disjointed... 

Answering for a friend (with her permission):

As she progressed she went through such a range of emotions which changed constantly. Some times she was so excited at the thought of a baby, she was terrified by the prospect of giving birth. She got majorly triggered when the baby started to move around a lot as she had flashbacks that felt like he was on her again. She always talked about feeling dirty, because it was part of him growing in her. She compared to being bitten by one of them insects that bite you and lay eggs inside you then all of a sudden vile creatures start to crawl out of your body. (hmm maybe we shouldn't have watched alien!) 

1. Heartbroken, terrified, disgusted, confused, scared.
2. I was still all of the above plus shocked, kinda like a monster (still do) and I was so negative about it all.
3. Well I was a little more than 1 month pregnant when I found out. I only had 2 days to know I was pregnant before I lost it. I was stabbed 11 times by my r*pist and he almost killed it then I had an abortion because of how hurt it was and how hurt I was.
4. I was depressed, suicidal, heartbroken, scared, shocked that it happened. And all these other feelings. 

For me, it was before pregnancy was spoken about freely and I didn't know of words like abortion and birth control. The two primary rapists that summer, one did not know of the other, his police partner and best friend, and his partner, best friend, had always told me to keep him a secret. They were 45, I was 15. It was the 2nd friend who asked me about my periods and ultimately took me to a doc, and after the pregnancy was confirmed, told me to tell the original (his best friend and partner) that he made me pregnant so:
1. I started off terrified, numb, clueless, powerless, confused.
2. I knew at all costs my parents could not find out and when the detective began to whine about having no money and for me to go to my 'rich' parents and say 'a boy did this to me', I became furious and had saved my babysitting money and got it out, counted it, it was sixty dollars, and thought I would buy a bus ticket to San Francisco and be a hippie.
3.The moment the detective heard my plan he instantly 'found' the money and within a week I was told to be ready no matter what Thursday morning to be taken for a "shot that makes the baby go away" and I was terrified because I had not thought in terms of a baby before. Pregnancy was one thing, human life/baby was another. Pain was a new concept. Now there was going to be a doctor. I was confused, as my mom was the only person who took me to doctors. This was another big scary secret and I was supposed to start 10th grade the following week.
4. That morning, it happened in a boarded up warehouse in weird part of the downtown where I lived. The doctor didn't want to do it because I was so young so he and the cop got into it, and my rapist won. I kept asking where's the shot. No shot. I was held down and fought. Told I would die if I didn't stay still. No meds. It hurt. I left my body through top of my head. Was in severe physical pain for days. Emotionally confused. My rapist who had once said he was going to leave his family for me broke up angrily with me that very day and said I ruined his life, so that hurt more than anything because although I am so ashamed to say this I thought then I loved him, we had been together for four months. I was numb and had amnesia for a year meaning I don't remember my 10th grade except him calling after Xmas saying he loved and missed me and could get me on birth control. I had forgotten the abortion but now associated him with something horrible and told him I had a boyfriend.
As to feeling the loss of a real life, a baby, it is an ongoing, everyday procress from about four or five years ago, where when I began to mention this story, tears would pour and pour and my heart would feel like it would break. This child is coming to life along with me as I come back to life myself and reclaim my value and place of honor in this world - as I do, I bring my baby with me.

1. I didn't know
2. Shock
3. I didn't want it until it was gone
4. I felt like I killed my baby.  I hated myself.  I felt like it was my fault because I didn't want it until it was too late.

I experienced pregnancy/miscarriage and serious injury as a result of the same attack and my experience was no worse than for people who do not sustain serious physical injury and or pregnancy, I just have additional reminders with me that make it a bit harder to forget i suppose. Does that make sense? Anyway, it is because of that that I am glad that someone is giving it special attention because it makes feeling angry/upset weird...a life was made. It's totally confuzzling and I don't know what is the right thing to feel/think. Do you M?
1. I thought I must be pregnant because I thought that having sex meant you would get pregnant. Full stop. It did not occur to me that pregnancy would not always occur in this circumstance. I was possibly the most naive 17 year old in the world (I do have a developmental delay however). So I assumed I was pregnant even without any real reasons to think I was. I was confused, worried, scared, alone, wanted to disappear, wanted my baby to be ok, wanted to never have had it happen, I wanted to turn back time-I tried and tried to think of ways to make this happen.
2. When I realised that I almost certainly was pregnant (without having bloods taken as I did not see a doctor) I became more acutely worried about what I was going to do (who to tell, what to say, needed a good story-lie to explain it all), scared (more so), panic, protective (I was scared someone would take my baby, I'd heard of this thing called abortion and was terrified someone would kill my baby), I'd get suddenly angry at everything including my baby and punch my tummy hard just hating everything and everyone, I could not think of anything else (only what had happened and that there was a baby, also the injuries - severe tearing, bowel prolapse unable to wee which I found out later was because my bladder had been torn and displaced all causing infections), after a few days I realised that there was a chance I could die and that I was too sick to be pregnant. That scared me even more because I suddenly thought that the baby dying would be bad as that was the only good to come af all this. I still had not told anyone. I felt really alone. I was really alone.
3. It didn't. I lost the baby very early on because I was so sick from infection I suppose and also I'd been badly damaged and did not find out until having babies many years later that my cervix was torn too and there was no chance a pregnancy would have lasted without it being stitched up.
4. Alone all over again, like it got worse because I had nothing and no one, but I had this baby inside me and now it was gone. Sometimes I felt happy because I did not need to deal with having a baby and telling people I was pregnant and explaining how that happened, happy that the THING that HE had left inside of me had died. Then I beat myself physically for feeling happy that a baby had died. I was happy but not allowed to be happy, I was sad but not allowed to be sad, I was confused but no one could explain anything to me because no one knew. I think I was relieved and depressed and everything all at once I felt like I would burst. It hurt, I literally hurt in my chest, in my heart. It was gross.

1. I didn't think I was pregnant, even after taking three positive pregnancy tests I kept saying, "No, there's no way." My heart wasn't willing to accept that my entire life was going to have to change drastically.
2. Shocked. I cried all day when it was confirmed by the pregnancy crisis center. But I haven't cried since then and I feel in many ways I've moved past all feelings of emotion to the point of numbness. It doesn't feel real. However as soon as I knew I was pregnant I automatically decided I was keeping it. There was no question.
3. Well I'm only eight weeks and I'm still really empty about the situation. I don't know how to be happy about it.
4. Honestly after reading most of the replies to this topic I'm terrified that I could lose it. If I were to lose this baby I don't know if I could handle it. To learn how to accept this and love the baby only to lose it would be too much trauma for my head. I don't want to lose it. It's my baby.

The first time I had a positive pregnancy test was from CSA by my step father, I was 16 when I found out.
1. Like the world was crashing down. It was bad enough to go through a CSA experience but now I would have to acknowledge it. "Please don't let this be" used to be what I would mutter...I am only 16. And I cried a lot.
2. The world was over, it had to be. There is no way this could be my life. Suffering at the hands of my step father was bad enough but now not only did I know but everyone else would too. I had never been in trouble, I had never been sexually active and I loved school. I wanted to go to college or be a marine but now neither of those would be possible, I would either have to give her up (not an option) or I would have to let my "parents" take care of her..definitely NOT an option. What changes are about to come and can I hold it together for her?
3. I
t was actually pretty amazing to me. I went from thinking oh my God how this has changed my life and being in a one person pity party, that was before my daughter ever moved. Once she started moving and I could literally feel her life growing I became the mother my mother never was to me. I understood this was a higher purpose more important than myself. All of a sudden, from that first kick, I knew I had an angel to protect and promised the baby if she turned out to be a girl she would never go through what I had. I promised my child that the cycle stopped with me and keeping that promise gave me strength.
4. When I lost custody I felt wronged and I was scared for her. I knew there was no way anyone in this world would protect my child the way I would. I knew there was no one that could love her with the purity of love I felt for her.
The state took custody of my daughter when the legal case against my step father started. The reason given was because my child was a product of consistent and systematic rape then she was a victim too (which I don't disagree with) but with that and me not reporting him (when I was already traumatized as it is) I was not a fit mother (that part I don't agree with).  I hope this may help your project. Please if you have any question feel free to ask and if there is any other project I could help with let me know. Please feel free to post any of my words on your site, if they can help even just one person feel consoled and like they are not alone I would be so thankful. 

1. I was terrified, I tried to convince myself it wasn't happening. I told myself that the different feelings in my body were either just in my mind or were being caused by the drinking/drug use I'd taken to as a coping mechanism during/after the abuse and rape, and that I was missing my period due to stress.
2. Even more terrified and panicked. I couldn't look after a baby, I was too young, I'd make a terrible mother, I just wanted to hide away from it all somewhere. I began drinking even more because I couldn't cope with it. I knew that I couldn't go through with an abortion, even if I had been brave enough to go to a doctor about it in the first place.
3. I became suicidal, but I wasn't brave enough to go through with it. I spent a lot of time angry and crying because I didn't seem to be able to kill myself. It was the only way out that I could think of.
4. I lost the baby to a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. As soon as I realised what was going on, I suddenly desperately wanted to keep the baby. All my feelings changed - all these motherly caring loving feelings came rushing into me. I was convinced that the baby was leaving me because it knew that I didn't want it (although it probably had more to do with the drug- and alcohol-abuse, to be honest - but still, my fault). All I wanted then was for the baby to "change its mind" and stay, to be a mum. Life without that little person suddenly became confusing and pointless. I was devastated, hurting, empty, crying all the time. I thought that maybe now I'd feel able to commit suicide, now that there wasn't another little life involved, but I still couldn't. That hurt a lot, but I now know that it was a good thing.
Ugh Posted Image 

 

A male response:

I think a little explanation might help preface my answers and help you understand exactly how I felt back then so bear with me, if you will.  I met S through my best (and really, only) friend when I was twelve years old. She was twenty-two years old at the time.  I really thought that I was in love with her and she with us. I say us, because my friend was also involved with her. I didn't understand exactly what kind of relationship we were involved in but she made it feel so good and right.  This relationship went on like this for years and I was so in love with her that I would do anything to make her happy because, when she was happy, she made me feel so good about myself.  Then my friend died when we were fifteen. I was absolutely crushed and I still blame myself for his death.  After he died, my relationship with S changed. I found out how much worse things he was put through. I was expected to take his place.  Things felt bad but I still felt completely in love with S and I thought she was in love with me. I had to do more and more to keep her happy and in love with me. There were always drugs available, but after my friend died, she really started pushing more and more drugs on me when she wanted me to do something for her.  It was during this drug filled time that she told me that she was pregnant. I had just turned sixteen.

1. Scared at first, but she seemed so, so happy that I wanted to be happy too.
2 and 2b. (with an additional question because the writer's male - how did you find out?)  I knew for real when she showed me a picture of the baby and she was so so excited so I was excited too.
3. At first I was as excited as she was, but then as her demands grew and grew and I was made to do more and more "to pay for the baby", I began to hate it. I had to do things with her 'friends' that I hadn't had to do before. My body was being sold so she could make money. It was awful but I kept doing it because I owed her, and the baby.
(another additional question - were you allowed any part in choosing what happened, or any involvement in the pregnancy?)
3b. No, not really.
4. She aborted the baby because I made her angry. Our child would have been turning nineteen this year and because of me it never had a chance. Back then, I was devastated. It still hurts just as much now that I write about it.
4b. (another additional question - did you have legal issues about things like child support and how did you handle them?)  No, I never had that chance.  Sigh.  I hope this is helpful.

Another male response:

I wanna help. I haven't told a word about all this in 'real world' but here I find it a little bit easier to talk. However, I haven't talked about this specific topic to anyone in this forum. I have 3 issues with pregnancy, it's not exactly 'rapist becoming pregnant'.  I hope it helps anyways ....  First one is a blurry memory I have. I was about 7 and my adoptive father made me do some things with objects to an adult pregnant woman. Don't remember who she was. I was so scared about hurting the baby.  Second, this is not easy...I'll try... She wasn't my rapist. She was a girl my age (12) and I was forced to rape her.  Saw her again 6 months later and she was pregnant.  They wanted me to rape her again.  They told me i had been the only one, she confirmed. I don't even know how that can happen that age. Even though i was forced ...it makes no difference I know.  Just want you to know I'm not a rapist and I respect women this should have never happened.  Never saw her again. Every night I see her eyes and feel the shame and guilt. Third. Not rape-related but loss.  My ex-girlfriend became pregnant of my child.  I was scared but truly happy because I saw it as the chance of a real family and was willing to do therapy and do my best to be the greatest dad in the world.  But she thought I couldn't be a good father, left me and ended up her pregnancy. It was devastating.

Some of my response:

I just wanted to put some of my response to this answer here.  I wrote back with sympathy about it all but wanted to especially say about the little girl that, though they used him, they were the ones hurting her, not him.  I can speak from personal experience about this.  I was at the other end.  When I was 11, nearly 12, I was forced to give oral sex to a boy a few years older than me.  Then he was forced to rape me.  They were beating him and wouldn't stop till we did what they said.  I didn't want him to be hurt any more, so I agreed.  I said I was really sorry.  But he told me to shut up and called me a stupid little girl.  He was really angry at the whole situation - and fair enough too!  I wanted to tell this person that NEVER ONCE have I thought of him as anything other than another victim.  Neither of us intended to hurt anyone - we didn't want to do it to each other.  And without those people forcing us, we never would have in a million years.  The responsibility lies solely with them.  I said to this person who wrote the response above:  If you can try to imagine her differently - crying for herself but for you too.  This nearly 12 yr old girl wanted to reach out and comfort the boy who was forced to rape her.  It was never his fault, and I never believed it was.  It's so hard to shake of the shame that's been forced upon us by other people's evil choices and cruel actions, especially ones designed to make us feel complicit and guilty.  But the truth is that we're not to blame, only them.

1. Scared and disappointed in myself, felt that somehow it was proof that I had encouraged what happened.
2. I didn't take a test in order to know, but when I knew I felt paralyzed, I made no move whatsoever to change my situation, or check how things were, or get a definitive answer. I tried to ignore it and make it go away by sheer force of will.
3. It didn't progress very far, it was hardly noticeable. It was only 6 weeks, my emotions didn't really change from blind panic to anything different.
4. When I began to experience pain and bleeding I felt relieved, like I was given a chance to have the right things happen to me without having to make a very hard decision at the age of 14.  I was glad, but at the same time, felt guilty for being happy about the death of a person who had nothing to do with what happened.  I also felt needlessly sad, despite how it came about, I was upset that it was dead and in a way angry that I never had a choice over any of the things which happened, including the miscarriage.
Hope this helped, I haven't really spoken about this before at all, so... Yeah. Feels weird, admitting it.  But thanks for the opportunity, I suppose.

1. Awful, guilty, repressed, withdrawn, hated
2. As above
3. Not at all
4. Relieved

I was raped more than 20 years ago, but miscarried at 5 months. In time the pain doesn't consume you every day, but there are still days where it hurts like hell (some trigger related, some not). I hope this may be of some help.
1. In the beginning, I never even considered the possibility of being pregnant. I grew up in a family where sex and therefore contraception was NEVER discussed. I only learmed in bio classes at age 15 or so what my period actually was. Still nothing more. So dummy me, thought you only got pregnant when you wanted to....
I had only had one boyfriend before the rape, and he lived in another country. So with long-distance relationships, we did not have sex. The times we were together though, we touched and such, but being a virgin he didn't want to rush into things either. But I had started reading magazines which started talking about it. So I was very very naive.
Anyway, I was at college and had to leave to go into the mountains in isolated areas for my thesis. If there was one doctor in the whole valley, it was alot. Where I was, there were only two coffee bars and a kiosk. Food you got at the farmers and the first supermarket was an hour's drive away. The only reason I found out was I had to see if I had to bring one or two boxes of tampons. Realizing it had been more than 2 months since I was raped, I panicked and went rushing to the pharmacy thinking, no this can't be happening. Not this too.?.? 
2. The above happened the afternoon before I was supposed to leave. I first took one test which was +, I started crying, thinking no this can't be real. I took a 2nd, also +. Then I kind of fell to the floor sobbing and thinking what am I going to do ?? I was really desperate, knowing that I was going to have to have him (firstly, totally against abortion, secondly, it'd be too late to abort anyway). So still panic, despair and terrification of what was to come. 
3. In the beginning I was just totally baffled and had absolutely no idea how things would go. I also kept asking myself (since it was 2 men who raped me) what and how was I going to tell my baby about rape and fathers (didn't even know which one).
But as time progressed, I started getting some kind of force saying we'd be able to make it. Another question was would I, could I love a rape baby. But with time I realized I was loving my baby and baby was part of me. Men may have contributed, but she was mine and I was going to do everything for her, all what my parents didn't do with me.
And when you feel the baby, you think that's a life in there, an innocent and real life to take care of and be responsible for. More than how will I be able to provide for her, I kept asking myself about the love connection, which for me was much more important. But the maternal love trumps the pain of the conception.
I also felt that baby was the only positive thing about the rape (at least something good came out of the horror).
4. 
I lost my baby in the shower when I was 5 months pregnant. Seeing all the blood flowing down the drain, I thought: that's my life. Everything just 'goes down the drain'. I felt worthless in that I couldn't even take care of my own baby; I am a failure, incapable of anything. I felt guilty that I couldn't save her. Everything is always taken from me. What am I doing wrong?  I also wondered (and still do), why did I get raped, but even more why did 'God' have me conceive a child just to take her away? Was he punishing me because of all my questions of how. I didn't deserve her and was an incompetent. Over the years, the pain decreased a bit, but my feelings of worthlessness and guilt remained (and are still present). I feel I failed and killed my baby girl. And I do have periods where I really long for her and wish anything I could have saved her.  Last year I found out I was adopted and this has brought back all the memories and feelings of loss and lots of what ifs. Hy heart is just broken (and at the moment not mending). I feel extremely sad and mad and wish I could have done something, anything that it'd have turned out others. In part, my feelings are so strong now because of adoption, but mainly I suppose because I'm older. Last year she would have been 20, so many wonderings how/what would she be like/doing. What would our life have been like? etc etc

OK, here goes. I had just turned 19. The man (if you can even call him a man) that raped me was my husband at the time. I divorced him after this.
1. I was scared, I was hoping that it was the stress that made me late. But in my heart I knew I was pregnant. I was hoping against hope that I was wrong.
2. HE took me to the clinic and insisted on being by my side the whole time, to gloat. The nurse came back and congratulated us, I hated her. He lied and told her that we had been trying. I hated him, I couldn't stand him being near me let alone touching me. I hated my self because I couldn't stop him. I hated the baby (I know that sounds horrible). I manged to excuse myself to go to ladies room, I saw the nurse and asked her what my options were. She looked at me like I was dirt. I tried to explain that he had raped me, she said that was impossible because we were married and that I should be ashamed of myself because I didn't want to keep my husbands child. I felt alone, angry, confused, scared, trapped, ashamed ....
3. I began to love the baby. It was not the baby's fault, it was mine. I didn't want to tell my family yet, because I didn't want HIM to be even more empowered. I kept putting it off, which made him mad. I was very protective of the baby. He was not even at the first sonogram, but I was so thrilled to be able to see and hear MY baby. In my mind it was MY baby, he was just a sperm donor.
4. HE resented me, because I was sick (morning sickness) all the time and because I wouldn't let him smoke in the house. He dragged me to a party, insulted and humiliated me so I left him there and went home. He came home drunk and raped and beat me. I tried my best to protect the baby with my body, but he knocked me out. I went to the hospital after I woke up, the only thing I worried about was my baby. A sonogram confirmed my baby's death. I was angry, depressed, I hated myself because I was unable to protect my child. I was suicidal and homicidal. I wanted to kill HIM for what he did to me, I wanted to kill myself because I was unable to protect my baby. The doctor wasn't able to determine the sex of my baby, but I always felt she was a girl. The hospital refused to give me my little girl for burial, I don't know what they did with her body. No one but HIM knew I was pregnant, I felt alone, angry, and most suicidal.  She would have been 8 years old this year. I'm sorry for the rambling, if any of it doesn't make sense feel free to email me with question. 
I think what you are doing is a great idea. I think we as women need somewhere to turn to for support.

Part of my reply:

I hope you don't mind if I disagree with you about something.  You said, "it was not the baby's fault, it was mine".  No, it wasn't!  It was never your fault.  How can something you don't choose to have happen be your fault or responsibility?  And you didn't choose it, or want it.  What you did was take an act of cruelty and turn it into the start of love ... that's really impressive.  You're not to blame at all.  And I think you're right to view him as just a sperm donor, and an unwilling one at that.  I know how awful it feels when you're powerless to prevent your child from being killed.  I've been in the same kind of situation.  It's very hard not to blame yourself ... I think all parent's feel responsible even when they don't have control of the situation, but you didn't have control or choice and you fought as hard as anyone could to save her.  He is entirely to blame for this, not you.  Please be really gentle with yourself.

An addition from the same person:

This weekend I discovered my little boy was conceived from a rape. He is 6.
1. I was scared, I was not married to the guy I thought got me pregnant.
2. The guy I thought was the dad accompanied me to the OB, when asked when we conceived the guy insisted it was a certain day. The doc had a weird look, looked at the sonogram and told me my due date. I was sad, because I felt I would let my parents down cuz I got pregnant out of wedlock.
3. I loved my son, the guy left me, but I didn't care. He was my little miracle, he was my reason for being.
4. I carried my son to full term and then some - 42 weeks total.
This weekend I found out there was no way my son could have been born at full term if I got pregnant when the guy and I had consensual sex. I actually got pregnant when I was raped the month before. It has shattered my world. I feel torn, because even though my son was out of wedlock I had no ill feelings for his biological father. Now that I know that my son came from some asshole that raped me, it's hard to see my son in the same light. I know that he is half mine, but to know that the ass not only hurt me then, but left me a lasting memory makes it unbearable. I truly envy my husband, his feeling have not changed for my son. I know this shouldn't change how I feel about my son, but it has. I still love him, but now I'm confused. I feel anger and hatred that my son came from a rape. I would've rather he was the guy's, at least I consented then. I know I wouldn't have been able to go through an abortion IF I had know. After losing my daughter and having the D&C done I could not have handled it mentally. I don't know if I would have given him up for adoption. I love him but right now it's hard to look him in the eyes without crying. And I know it's not healthy for him or me, I'm trying to move past it but damn it's hard. I truly envy my husband, he loves us no matter what. 

Hi M, I hope this will help the work you are doing!
1. I was really scared at first and then, somehow in my post-traumatic brain came to the conclusion that the baby could be the ONLY positive thing that came from such a horrible and violent attack.
2. By the time I actually got tests that came back positive I was 99% sure I was pregnant. I am really in tune with my body. I was nervous but also had begun to get used to the idea that this baby was on the way.
3. My feelings were a roller coaster during the pregnancy. I had love for my baby right away, that NEVER changed. It was hard for me to want to place my hands on my belly, to look at myself in the mirror. I was having a lot of problems with body memories. As the pregnancy progressed I also began thinking about how I could connect and love the baby. It was really, really hard for me to think about how I would ever explain how the pregnancy occurred. I never was able to find the courage to tell even my doctor, at the time.
4. I had a horrible miscarriage at 10.5-11 weeks. I was beyond devastated! It was emotionally a huge challenge as I had come to believe that the pregnancy would be able to become a focus, a reason to exist. I felt that not only had my sexuality, my trust in people, my virginity all been taken.......now my baby was being taken.

Another Experience:

I still have doubts about whether or not I had a *really* late period or an early miscarriage after a rape.

When I realized I might be pregnant, I was terrified. I was also still in a traumatized state, having just been assaulted by two different people within a three month period. I was without stable employment and becoming malnourished. It was a horrible time.

I especially remember how I felt I would die from shame; that I would have no language to explain to anyone how it all happened. I felt everything was my fault. 

It was the extreme shame that led me to think about abortion because I felt trapped, like I had no other choice because I couldn't talk about what had been done to me. Having to go to the store to buy a pregnancy kit only added to my shame. I wore my grandmother's wedding ring into the store.

I could not use or read the damn test very well. Time past (I was so traumatized I forget how long...maybe anther few weeks?) and I started to bleed (again, so traumatized I don't remember how much). Perhaps it was a mercy of sorts.

Later on I felt guilty that I had considered killing what would have perhaps been my first child. I learned something about how unhealthy shame is for me.

I am grateful for how this message board [www.pandys.org] has so many threads to process difficult topics. It has helped me reduce my shame. If I were to go through that experience again, I would hope to have the courage to not be ashamed or afraid; and to welcome new life with my understanding that having been raped would not have been my fault. 

1. Lost, confused, hurt, broken, devastated, alone, extremely depressed, paranoid, shocked, angry, sad, hopelessness.
2. I was still devastated, alone, depressed, angry and sad but through the next weeks after, I got very comfortable with the idea that I'd never be so alone and that someone would love me no matter what. Plus I already loved her so much.
3. I accepted it for what it was. I loved her more and more everyday. I wrote her letters on Word and planned to give them to her as she grew older. I planned a life for us in many different scenarios too. I wanted her so badly.. still do.
4. Simply - crushed.  

Another experience (the paragraphs are different so this is a marker for it): 

I think it is wonderful idea to collect inputs from the survivors who got pregnant as result of rape/incest/another violent sexual assault. Since yesterday was Mother's Day, it must be hard for any survivors to deal with pregnancy, raising a child, or losing baby via different channels such as miscarriage or abortion. It will help anyone else to visualize what it is like to become pregnant after being raped. No one has to go through such horrible ordeals but we must learn how to deal with aftermath. 

I am survivor myself. I have 13-year-old daughter as result of the brutal rape. It is funny how I am going to answer question #1 and #2 because of my brain injury and memory loss respectively. 

Answer to Q #1 can be very strange to you but when I am telling my experience, it is hard to believe what I went through. 

For some reasons, my brain must have been switching to repress or block to protect me from the facts. You see, I used to have a partner who was very violent and abusive toward me on and off for about a couple of years after I lost my stillborn baby who was NOT the result of the rape. His violent behaviors escalated to the point of I leaving him. We did plan to have another baby but I changed my mind and told my ex I no longer desired to continue having sexual relationship with him and to have another baby. I was going to leave him within a month. 

I was vaguely aware of getting pregnant after the incident but I could not figure out why. I was downright depressed and suicidal before I discovered myself pregnant. when I did, I was extremely baffledconfused, and unhappy:bawling: :bawling: :confused: :confused: HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN??!! i DID NOT HAVE HAD SEX WITH MY PARTNER FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS!! I never had thought I was being raped because that never entered my mind at all. It was incredible that I had no memories of that at all. It was not my ex who raped me but another fellow who used to harass me five years earlier. I eventually left my ex to live with my friends.

That was for question #2.

As my pregnancy progressed, I still bore no memories of the brutal rape. I did woke up with most violent headaches that lasted me for three days right after the incident (that could account for brain injury as well as memory loss). I had no more headaches until I was about six month pregnant. My headaches escalated to the point of feeling like dying. My headaches lasted me for over two months (violent, pounding, excruciating painful, crying spells). :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: Now having headaches that horrible that lasted for more than two months, that was not normal at all. 

The name of that rapist entered my mind for the first time while I was watching video of my baby being on sonogram. At first, I thought why in the hell did that mean when his name popped up in my mind.It was so brief but I brushed that away. Eventually, my headaches went down gradually and I got so much better when I was around nine-month pregnant! :thumbsup: Hurray for headaches being gone. That answered question #3.

My baby was born so healthy. A baby girl with mane of black hair. Since I had no memories of the rape, I assumed my ex to be natural father of my baby girl. We did get back together about three weeks before my daughter was born. I truly believed I would suffer no more domestic violence after my ex saw my baby. Was I wrong!!!

When my daughter was about two months old, I started to look closer at my baby and thought, "Is X the father of my baby, not my current partner?" I did not know why I thought such thing at that time. My brain managed to brush away that rapist's name again. 

For the next three years, I lost total of four more babies with my ex. I saw the specialist about that. That's when I discovered the horrible truth: my living baby and lost babies did not have same father according to the specialist. My ex seemed to have serious genetic disorder and my daughter did not carry any genetic disorders according to the tests being performed at the hospital she was born in. 

Due to lack of formal DNA test, I had struggled for almost 9 years on deciding who was the real father of my child. I did leave my ex for good this time when my daughter was only 3 years old. I was tired of sufferng frequent domestic violence episodes. 

When I stumbled on family photos of that rapist on Facebook, I knew I was right in first place. His oldest and first daughter and mine bored some identical features. That was about 7 months ago. 

I went through roller coaster emotion again like I did 10 years ago.

I know it is incredible that I lost memories of that rape 14 years ago. I did manage to retain some memories ten years ago and for the last six months but they could be inaccurate due to brain injury I sustained during the violent attack. 

What's even more appalling was that the rapist was young, married and had first two small daughters at the time I was raped. Then he had two more after my daughter was born; that's even worse. The daughter #4 was the result from having affair with another women. His daughter #1, #2, and #5 is from with his wife. Mine is #3 but the rapist never paid any visit to my child at all nor did he show any interest in her at all even though he has another FOUR DAUGHTERS. What a sick bastard he is. That's my story.

Another experience:

I've not talked about this anywhere but it is what I have been fighting with for the last couple of months. At the beginning of June I had to have a pregnancy terminated. It was one that resulted from an attack from a family member. Actually it was a male family member who raped me and then an angry female family member came in and was very unhappy with me about it. She began to attack me in totally insane, mind numbing, and degrading ways in order to "teach me to be careful what I go after, cause she would give me more than I can handle"Posted Image

1. OMG, I was terrified. Somehow I just knew. You know how it is when you are so scared that you don't want to move a muscle? I was walking around my place where I lived alone like you do when you are a kid sneaking down the hall and out the house in the middle of the night. I was scared to breathe. I knew in my head that the pregnancy was inside me but I just felt unsafe all around me. I felt so guilty because of all that the female family member said to me as she did horrible things. It was like I was hiding from retribution and I felt that the baby inside of me was just part of it. You see, I had been told less than a year ago that I would never be able to carry a baby to viability. I had been abused really badly before and it left substantial internal and external scarring. I thought that I would not ever get pregnant. I knew it was not impossible, just unlikely. Carrying the baby to viability would be impossible. 
I felt that I was being given my punishment handed down directly from God. He was going to show me the consequences to my being bad. I would have to choose what to do as far as aborting a child(which I have always opposed) or risking my life.
2. All of the feelings only intensified to a sort of fever pitch.
3. How did your feelings about the pregnancy change as it progressed?
It was not allowed to progress. As soon as I went to the doctor, he said that I had to terminate because of risks to me and no chances for the baby. He gave me 3 pills of Mifeprex to start the abortion process which took 3 days for me to actually start to miscarry. They then gave me the other medication. I can't even begin to describe what I have been feeling. I have been totally alone in this. 
4. I feel so many things that they seem to be bumping into one another. I feel shame because of how the pregnancy came to be. I feel shame that the thing that made the continuing of the pregnancy impossible was remnants of past abuse. I feel horrendous guilt as I hear that person telling me what a piece of garbage I am and how I will have 2nd thoughts before I ever try to shake myself in front of him again. I felt like the baby dying was my punishment.
This all is so fresh for me. It has not been a month yet since the abortion and two months since the attacks. I honestly have just been dealing with it the best I know how. I am unfortunately in a whole new place where I really know no one. I moved 2 days after taking the abortion. I just sort of sit with it and crave amnesia.Posted Image 

1/2. He was my ex, so I didn't even think about using the morning-after pill. I didn't expect a pregnancy at all for some reason, but knew I was pregnant as soon as I missed my period. I did a test, and was sure I would miscarry (I had multiple miscarriages before). I was not happy about the pregnancy at all and worried about his reaction if he found out. 
3. He found out and magically showed no interest in the baby. I was enormously grateful. At first, I did not want the pregnancy. I made an appointment with an abortion clinic and even went there, but couldn't go through with it. From that point on-wards, I felt ambiguous. I started looking forward to the birth of my baby, but I was scared it would look like my ex and act like him as soon as I found out he was a boy. I was scared I would not be able to bond with the baby. 
He is five years old now, and I love him so much. His being is totally separated from the circumstances of his conception. I do still have very bad feelings about his father though. I would not mind writing more about it, if you are looking for stories.  

I was repeatedly & violently gang raped at the age of 12 & 13, I don't know if I fell pregnant at the time but there was a lot of bleeding for a few days. I know I was definitely pregnant when I was 16 and sort-of-raped by my boyfriend at the time. It doesn't feel right to call my pregnancy "it", "he" or "she" because "it" is too impersonal, like it was a 'thing' rather than a life, same for "the baby", and I never found out if Baby was a boy or a girl, so I always say "Baby" as a proper noun. Makes it a little easier.
1. Scared, hoping to high heaven that I wasn't.
2. Disgusted that my body had allowed this to happen. Ashamed that I had allowed it to happen. Petrified. Panicked. Sick. In shock. Like the bottom had fallen out of my world and I wouldn't ever stop falling. I didn't want everyone to think I'd fallen into the stereotype of the city I come from where everyone has a baby in their teens because it's an easy way of life, but I also didn't want anyone to know what had happened.
3. I was 2 months along before I found out so I knew I had to quickly make a decision as to whether I was going to ruin the rest of my life and upset everyone I loved by keeping Baby. Or choosing to abort Baby. I'm a fairly strong-willed and moral vegetarian but I don't want to upset or offend anyone by calling abortion murder because I am fully behind free choice, and I was then too, but it just felt like if *I* were to get rid of my Baby then it would be murder. I have odd moral conflicts. I don't for a second want anyone to be upset or hurt by this because I have always and will always, regardless, say that women should have free choice over their bodies, but it felt like I was outside of this rule because I didn't deserve free choice. I was scared I'd have to explain what had happened because as much as I hated my ex for the things he did to me, I didn't want him to get in trouble. I didn't want people to know what had happened to me. I was beginning to get used to the idea. I always felt, and still feel, that I should have been happy that there was a new life on the way and be excited like all expectant mums say they are, but I just wasn't.
4. About 3 months into the pregnancy, just shy of a month after I found out, I had a miscarriage. Lots of painful bleeding. When I told my school guidance counselor about the whole thing, four months after I fell pregnant she made me go for a scan at the hospital. When I explained how much pain and bleeding there had been they said I had to have a proper examination. They told me because of the scarring and damage done by my gang rape 4 or 5 years earlier that it would be very, very unlikely for me to ever carry a baby to term. Empty. It felt like because I had left it too late to abort the baby by choice and had therefore "consented" to my body that I wanted Baby, that I was being punished and having that taken away from me. I think if I'd decided to get rid of Baby then something would have gone wrong and I'd have had to have Baby. I think I also felt less like a woman, like I was incapable of the basic human function. Worthless.
I think a little part of me also felt relieved that I wouldn't have my life ruined. I think I also mourned the fact that the choice had been taken away from me, rather than mourning the loss of a life. That makes me sound like a horrible and foul human being who doesn't deserve your time and attention, let alone sympathy. I hate myself for feeling like that, but I can't help it. I wish I could because I disgust myself.

My answer to this (because none of us deserve that self-disgust!):
Oh, I'm so very sorry for all you've been through, and for how you feel about yourself in it now.  Dear friend - you are not at all a foul human being who doesn't deserve my time, let alone sympathy!  The mixed feelings you had and have are very much part of this experience - I think LOTS of people who've been through similar things can relate and understand.  You did nothing wrong!  NOTHING AT ALL!  It's OK to mourn both things - having the choice taken away from you, and losing Baby.  It makes sense and is part of you being a normal loving person and someone who was raped.  You didn't make this choice, you dealt with things the best way you could, and you didn't deserve to have the choice, then or in the future, taken from you by violence and assault.  You're not to blame for any of this and how you feel is very natural. I think you're asking too much of yourself to expect yourself to be happy about a new life coming along in those circumstances!  Sometimes that happens for people, or happens later, but many of us are way too consumed with issues of safety, secrecy, trauma and fear to enjoy pregnancy that happens this way, even if we love our little ones and believe they are precious new lives (and many people don't feel that way either!).  This is a really complex situation and it makes sense to have complex feelings about it.  Go easy on yourself and be gentle, OK?  Thank you very much for sharing your experience - I'm sure it will help other people feel less alone and understand better.  You're really brave and generous to do that.  Love,

1. Scared, shocked, worried, powerless.
2. Um, I still felt scared, shocked, worried and powerless but I guess I also felt a little bit excited - because the baby was still a part of me too. I know the baby was one of my rapists, but 50% of that baby was still me, and it was still a little life inside me!
3. Feelings didn't really change. I began to get worried about being judged, and knew that sooner or later everyone would know who the father was, so soon everyone would find out I was raped. I was worried what my parents would say, work would say, friends would say.. and even what the police would think. Because not only had I been raped and had to talk all through that but also now I had to tell them I was pregnant and they wanted me to do tests and have tests done.
4. I'm not sure I can find the right words to put here, but the best I can come up with is - I felt numb, scared, alone, and fell to pieces. Because, although I was glad that the reminder of what had happened that night was now gone, I have changed my view of the baby from - rapists baby to my baby. I still feel that I should have been able to protect my baby, and I will always love them forever, but the baby will always be a constant remind of what happened. I felt guilty from not wanted the baby at the beginning as a reminder, but now I would do anything to be reminded everyday what happened if only I could have my baby.

Another Experience:

I am happily married (until last Sunday) with 2 amazing daughters (6 and 7 years old). My husband and I have been married 8 years and are committed to growing old together. Our goal was two kids and my husband got a vasectomy in 2003. He is a CFO of a bank and very much into financial planning. In fact, we sold our home in 2008 and opted to rent, get out of debt, and save for the home we really wanted.

On June 26th 2009 everything changed. I was raped.

July 13th, I took two pregnancy tests and both were positive. Ironically, July 15th was my 32nd birthday (happy birthday to me, huh?) Regardless of the politics surrounding abortion, I can't bear the idea of going through it myself. I am struggling to say the word. I am able to embrace the baby (it is half me and did nothing wrong). Adoption is out of the question since my two daughters were never recover. They don't even know what sex is. They would just see momma giving away their sibling...

My husband, the most amazing, honest man I have ever met is not doing OK. He is not a crier (unless the movie we are watching is especially moving and about sports), but has shed many many many tears in the last few days. He doesn't think he can accept this child. I don't blame him. Its very existence is a reminder to him that another man had intercourse with the wife he was committed to protect. He can't get past the fact that a horrible man's child is growing inside me. I don't even have maternity insurance. On top of the emotional stress, the financial fear is creeping. Delivering the baby alone would wipe out our savings that we have sacrificed so much for already.

We have told one couple who are lifting us up in fervent prayer. We also went to a crisis pregnancy center yesterday. The counselor there, quite frankly, looked like a deer in headlights when we shared our story. We can't seem to find any husband who has raised a baby conceived by rape. I scoured the internet last night searching and searching and came up short. We haven't told anyone else since is such a great burden to bear. Any help, guidance, support would be greatly appreciated!

Another Experience:

I had a rape-related pregnancy.
1. I was physically sickened and horrified at the idea.
2. I was shocked, terrified & confused and knew I was gonna end up a single mom.
3. I accepted the pregnancy and eventually grew to anticipate the arrival of my daughter (after I found out it was a girl).
4) I didn't lose her (although her father attempted to force me to miscarry, beating & raping me in a fit of rage at my defiantly telling him I was gonna keep the baby when he'd demanded I have an abortion).

1 week after her birth, he tried to force me into becoming a "family" with him. I told him there was no chance in he** of that happening and that he blew his chances with me when he walked out.  He viciously raped me again (undoing the stitches I had at the time) trying to force me to surrender, the way I'd done during our relationship.  When I didn't give in, he left again and I haven't seen him since.

Another Experience:

I've hesitated to reply, because in all honesty even though a lot of time has passed and my life has largely "moved on" this is one aspect of healing that hasn't healed. After thinking about it, I'm not sure it ever will, because do you ever stop grieving for a child?
1. I was horrified. It was my ex who had stalked and raped me. When we'd been together (years before the rape occurred when I got pregnant) he'd beaten me and threatened to kill me. I was also a single parent with a little boy who I struggled to support.
2. Not much changed at all. I got more of a sense of impending doom.
3. I absolutely fell in love with the little girl I carried. I found peace in the fact that maybe God had given her to me for a reason. I worried less about my ex, and my life, and more about her future.
4. She was born prematurely, just short of the point of viability. It was unreal to me, I had such an easy pregnancy with my first son, the possibility of not having a healthy baby had never occurred to me. Little did I know it was a precursor to struggles with infertility. It will be eight years this fall and some days it may as well have been yesterday. I have five healthy munchkins, and an empty quiet place in my heart for my Isabella.

1. Very very scared. I just knew that's what was wrong but I still hoped it wasn't.
2. I was still horrified, and I think I still am. I was worried about what so many people were going to think. I knew that now I couldn't keep what happened to me a secret, because I know the baby isn't my boyfriend's. I thought he was going to leave and then I would have absolutely no one. It all just happened too quickly I guess.
3. The only one that knows what happened exactly is my boyfriend, he was upset at first but made it clear that he wasn't mad with me and now he is my strength, the one telling ME that we will do this together and it will all be okay, because I'm still not feeling comfortable with it. The rest that know think that it is his baby and know nothing about what happened. I honestly wanted nothing to do with it but my boyfriend insisted that we keep it. It's been a hard pregnancy already, I'm sick constantly and having problems with blood pressure. I have started to love the baby though, that's for sure, but I don't feel like I can handle this right now.
4. We've been warned because I was showing signs of preeclampsia, that I can still lose the baby and if I make it farther that there's a chance I may have to deliver too early. I don't want to lose the baby, as hard as it is to accept how I got pregnant.

1. I was so scared that my husband of 18 years would leave me because of what happened.
2. I didn't want another child at this point in my life, being that I just turned 36, but have accepted the fact that it wasn't my fault.
3. I have been dealing with the ups and downs of the pregnancy. It has only been recently that I have been going through a major depression area with the fact that I am pregnant with a r*pist baby. I told my husband that I would never do anything to hurt myself or the baby I just needed time to adjust that I was doing this again.
4. Well, I didn't lose the baby. I am 5 1/2 months along and wish it was over with. I found out on July 27, 2009, that I was expecting another boy. I wanted a girl so bad that it hurt. My older 2 kids ( ages 17 and 16) both know the truth but my youngest ( age 13) doesn't. I wanted to give my daughter the younger sister that she has wanted for years now but it just wasn't meant to be. I want to give it up for adoption now that we found out that it was a boy because I really don't want the reminder of that night there for the rest of my life. My husband has been the most supportive man that I know and he won't let me give it up. He has already accepted the fact that it isn't his and has bought all the major things for the nursery. He said that he loves this baby no matter how it got where it is. We have been through some minor counselling for this and it has helped to a point but I will never get over what happened. It has only been recently that I have been able to talk about the rape that happened back in high school. I got pregnant three times, miscarried two of them and had an abortion with the third one. If I would have been in the relationship that I have now, I would have been a mother at 14.
We have decided on a name for our son and we are planning a C-section for December 7, 2009. The doctor said that because I had a C-section before that it was the best for both me and the baby. I am going to have my tubes tied so that if something like this ever happens again, there will be no way I can get pregnant. We are going to name the baby "Dakota Jaden" after his grandfather that was part Indian (Dakota) and after the girl's name we had all picked out if it was a girl (Jewel). I hope I didn't go on and on and offend anyone but this is really the first time that I have put into words what I am feeling. I have started to feel him kick for the first time. It is so amazing that something so precious can come out of something so horrible. Thanks for letting me post this somewhere.

1. When you thought you might be pregnant how did you feel?
Scared, alone, sad, confused. unloved, in trouble, panicked, bad. shocked.
2. When you found out you were how did you feel (did that change)?
A failure if it gets out, surprised, shocked.
3. How did your feelings about the pregnancy change as it progressed?
They did not due to the rapist did not support me or comfort and reassure me. this made me initially not want the baby at all. 
4. If you lost the baby, how did you feel then?
Rapist forced me to abort and I felt sad, used, mistreated, not loved, rejected, dejected, hated and not loved, foolish, humiliated, deceived, worst day of my life, cut open, bleeding, ashamed, spent, sore, drained of life an vitality, dirty, and not innocent , guilty of murder and unable to be forgiven for the worst sin of my life. I was unaware I was forced to abort or that I had been raped. I thought it was all my fault.  

A later response from the same person:
I experienced rape-related pregnancy and/or loss of that pregnancy. I never thought of suicide until abortion recovery 23 years after the abortion or two years ago in an abortion recovery class . The rapist force me to abort and I did not know till after the recovery class for abortion. Wish I knew then. While there I change my mind about aborting but he force me to go back there and do it anyway. This made it his choice and not mine as I had no power to do anything but what he said as he ...the rapist took me to abort and told me to go on an do it anyway..even though I told him I don't want to.  Painful stuff.  I am healing now as I bought a baby doll that seems like it's lifelike and I bonded with the doll and name it after my aborted baby. I have got lot of healing this way and cried at times or very much over my loss. Thanks for this post. I t helps to write about what happened to me at 19 and how it effected me and all.

1. Numb.  I felt like it couldn't be real.  I thought maybe I was just being paranoid.
2. Completely devastated.
3. Prior to this I could never imagine having an abortion, but when I was younger I read an article about a woman who ended up pregnant after a rape and the rapist found out and sought visitation rights to the child.  All the horrible possibilities kept running through my mind.  Delusional hopes that maybe I was actually much farther along and it wasn't his also ran in my mind.  The fact that every day it was growing compelled me to make a quick decision.  I had four kids and recently separated from my husband, they were foreclosing on my house and I couldn't tell my family and friends what had happened.  I decided to abort.
4. Two of my children are biologically my sister-n-laws, but she used drugs and abandoned them, so I adopted them. I have a hard time trying to rationalize how I can raise two children that aren't biologically mine, but abort one that was. I felt angry and helpless. I felt that not only did he make me a victim, but he made me a bad person as well. Sometimes I'm not sure if my problem is dealing with the rape or the abortion.

1. I didn't know.
2. I had a miscarriage.
3. N/A
4. It made me very upset. I thought I had done something that caused it. I cried and threw up. 1. When you thought you might be pregnant how did you feel?

1. This is hard to answer because I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) and didn't realize on the surface level that I had ever been pregnant or lost a child until at least four and a half years later. When my alters realized then, it was a very deep and painful horror. I felt invaded and dirty and also like I was doomed. See, I was gang raped by men but I was a minor being abused by a much older woman who hated men. I knew she and her "friends" would see me as damaged, dirty, disgusting, etc because I had been touched by men and might even kill both me and the child. I think we thought we could keep it a secret, but that didn't end up working out. We didn't have any other options besides remaining silent because if we said anything we'd be risking our lives and we weren't conscious enough of the pregnancy existing to try to run away.
2. There was never really a definite point for me. I never had a test as far as I know.
3. I started bonding with the child more, I think. It became a situation where I knew the baby was forced in me, but at the same time I didn't think anyone had the right to force her *out* of me. I just wanted it to end with one violence and to me, losing her would be a violence.
4. My main (female) abuser performed a dangerous (probably coat hanger) abortion without my consent. When I realized this had happened four and a half years later I cried so hard I either fell asleep or dissociated. I'm still not really sure what to say about how I feel...but I feel an enormous sense of loss to say the least. 

1. I was in denial for several weeks. It wasn't possible. Things couldn't get that much worse. Eventually, I started accepting that it was possible and then I was ashamed and absolutely terrified. I felt so lost and the very thought of taking a pregnancy test gave me panic attacks.
2. Shattered. Devastated. Terrified. Nauseated. Angry. I wanted to die. The fact that I was carrying part of him inside of me made me feel even more polluted and tarnished. I felt I had to get rid of it to rid myself of him. I felt so ashamed. I wanted to escape from the whole situation.
I convinced myself that an abortion was the only way. The day of my appointment I drove to the clinic and couldn't get out of the car. I sat in the parking lot and sobbed for a long time. I realized that the baby was also a part of me....that she is the only good thing that came out of my terrible experience. Something inside of me told me that I couldn't abort my own child. I didn't go through with it.
3. The first time I saw my daughter on ultrasound, everything changed. I slowly started to get excited. I wanted to love my baby no matter how she came to be. Step by step, I convinced myself that everything would be okay and that I could be a mother. It was hard for me to bond with my daughter when she was first born but somehow I did. (It took me months.)
4. I didn't lose my baby. She's nearly 7 years old now and is the light of my life. She's loud and intelligent and such a girl-y girl. Physically, she is my spitting image and I thank God for that. 

I was thirteen at the time. My mother had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, all the focus was on her, I was on my own. The man who got me pregnant was my at-the-time boyfriend's stepfather.
1. I didn't feel much at first, as though the life that I saw spiraling out of control was not my own but that of a movie character, someone who did not truly exist. I purchased two pregnancy tests, took them home and prepared for the worst - I searched the web for the odds of a wrong reading on a test, for clinics where abortions were performed, everything I may possibly need to know if I turned out to be pregnant. Somehow I knew that the moment the test came back positive I would no longer be capable to remain calm and plan my future.
2. I cried for an hour, sitting on the tiled floor beside the bathtub. I cried until I ran out of tears and my sobs grew dry. Then overwhelming panic came over me, which finally gave way to numbness. The following days I ranged from bouts of panic to numbness and tearful outbursts. I discovered the pregnancy when I was about five weeks along, because I missed my period and grew suspicious about why it hadn't come.
3. I called a clinic, and another clinic, and another, until I came across a doctor who agreed to help me without any parental involvement. We discussed the abortion briefly and made an appointment for the following week. As time passed by from finding out I was pregnant at five weeks to the abortion at almost nine weeks I found my hand almost magnetically drawn to my lower belly. I would awaken with my hand there, I would notice it when watching TV. I was abused in the meantime and found myself searching the Internet for information of foetal development to assure myself that the baby hadn't felt anything from the beatings. I began to care for the unborn child, to feel guilty for what I was about to do. I felt terrified and began to wish I could keep it.
4. I felt horrible, like I'd killed a person. I became tearful, regretful. I occasionally regret it, to this day. I also regret declining a copy of the image of the baby that the doctor got from the scan. I became more and more certain that it was a boy. About a year later I began to dream about a newborn of the age my baby would have been at that point, I dreamt of myself holding this infant, whispering his name, rocking him. In my dream the name Aaron rolled off my tongue so easily. I still dream about him sometimes, and as time passes he grows older there. Some days it's still just as difficult for me as that first day.  

I don't know if I really count for this, because at first I thought it was my ex's. It wasn't for a little while that I realised it couldn't be. But hopefully it'll help anyway.
1. I never thought I might be. I was at the doctor for a routine check up (I hadn't told anybody about the rape at this point, and had an unclear memory of what exactly had actually happened - at this point, I didn't actually remember that I'd been raped, 'just' attacked) and we found I was pregnant.
2. Scared, mainly, as to what I'd do. I'm in my first year at uni, I'm really not in a position to have a family at the moment. But I wasn't too messed up - like I mentioned above, I couldn't remember details so I thought it was my ex's - still not ideal, but a hell of a lot better than the alternative. Because I thought the father was someone I loved and who loved me, even though it wasn't cause for celebration, I at least knew I'd have support and someone else could help with the decisions.
3. When I told my ex I felt less panicked and sort of safe. Then we realised the dates didn't match up (we were in a long-distance relationship) and he asked some questions about the night of the attack, and that night I had dreamy/flashback type things, and the memories started to come back and I realised what had really happened, and that there actually was an alternative to my ex for the father. That's when I started to get slightly more hysterical, and I was upset because thinking it was my ex's, I'd started to care about the baby (even though it was only a matter of weeks old) but knowing it wasn't made me hate it, but still care about it at the same time and feel bad for hating it. If that makes sense. Then my ex and I broke up because he didn't trust me anymore, on account of not telling him about the rape right away (yeah, I couldn't remember and I told him that, and he still said I was untrustworthy) and I kind of blamed the baby. Because if I wasn't pregnant, my ex might not have asked those questions and made me remember, and he wouldn't have any reason to not trust me anymore because I wouldn't have had anything more to tell him.
4. Honestly, I was sort of relieved. That sounds like a terrible thing to say, but... I was scared of loving it because of what it was, but I couldn't bring myself to hate it either. And having cared about it and wanted to keep it safe, even if it only lasted about a day, I didn't want to have an abortion. So when it stopped being my decision, I was just relieved at first. Then I started to be sad about it, because it was still half mine, but in a strange kind of way I was glad that I was sad. In some kind of irrational way, I'd thought that perhaps by being pregnant by him, I was kind of seeping his badness up into myself through the fetus. But if I could still care about my child then I wasn't as bad as he was. Again, that probably doesn't make sense... And like others have said, I felt like if I'd have wanted it and loved it enough, it wouldn't have died. Because even when I thought it was my ex's, I still didn't exactly want to be pregnant. Sorry, it's kind of hard to explain two conflicting feelings at the same time...

1. I immediately thought I would get an abortion if in fact I was pregnant. But I was way too scared to take a test, even though my body knew that I was. I could just tell. For sure. I thought if i knew for sure, it would be real, and I knew I didn't want to face reality. I knew the end of my life as I knew it was completely over, once I had a positive result. So I put it off until a friend made me take a test with her. She was negative, I was positive.
2. I was devastated. I fell on the floor sobbing. I changed my mind about getting an abortion, almost immediately.  I started becoming really afraid, really quick. Really ashamed, as well. Because I had no clue who the father was.
3.. I grew to love the little being inside of me. I was afraid of the birthing process, scared I would be a bad mom, didn't know how I would provide for my child.. but despite all of the fear, I also grew love. Love so abounding, I've never felt anything like it. Love for a child, your own flesh and blood, is the most intense love I think you can possibly feel.
4. I didn't lose her, and I am very blessed for that. I am so sorry for those who have lost a child. My heart is with you. I kept my daughter and she is growing and hilarious and happy, and really independent. I don't have much faith in myself as a mother, even still, but she is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I have a lot of guilt still, for bringing a fatherless child into the world.
Now, I know who her father is, but I have never met him.  I spend my days worrying about her safety and making sure his nasty, disgusting, perverted hands never touch her.  I have some really hard days.. where I see his face in hers.. but I have only seen his photo and she looks like my baby pictures, so I try not to let the memories of my rape haunt me like that. (it was dark and I didn't see his face.) I'm a survivor, and so is my daughter. He had no right to violate me like he did, and I can't let him haunt me like this anymore either. My daughter and I deserve to live a happy life without him as any part of it.  Hugs to all who want them!

1. I was actually totally oblivious because it was only 3 weeks after being pregnant that I found out.  I was sick from my heart problem and went to the hospital.  They asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant and I said reluctantly that it was possible.  Urine tests didn't show anything.  I had bruises from my rape that were fading and the doctor asked about them.  I told him about my rape and he said he wanted to be safe and not sorry before my x-rays and we waited for the blood work.  It showed I was pregnant..
2. OMG (Oh my God) ! I was heartbroken, floored, suicidal, hateful.  I wanted to kill it right away or give it away.  I wanted an abortion so bad.  It changed because I don't believe in abortion or adoption (for myself) I don't care if anyone else does it.  My boyfriend said he would help me take care of the baby though ... I think that helped a lot.
3. Well I am 7 weeks now to this day.  And I am still depressed about being pregnant.  I hope the baby, no I PRAY the baby looks like me.  I'm starting to gain a lil weight and I'm a model so I'm not happy about that.  I'm becoming more angry.  I'm having lots of problems with bleeding and spotting.  So much pain right now.  It's irritating.
4. I was pregnant with twins originally but I lost one of them.  One egg was where it was supposed to be and the other was closer to my cervix and because of that I lost that one and almost the other.  I felt relief that I wouldn't have to take care of 2 of them, but I still cried because the baby was a part of me.  Now with this one I am trying to dedicate myself to it. But it's so hard.  I've picked out name, so I guess that's a start.
I too have to amend my post ... and reluctantly and guiltily doing so ...
In continuation, I finally lost my little girl when I was 3 months.  I had a few falls here and there from passing out and tripping.  Loads of stress and my body finally gave up and had enough of fighting it.  I was in and out of the hospital for weeks.  I feel so guilty and sad and everything I said about not wanting her (I found out I was having a girl a day before my miscarriage) comes back to haunt me.  It kills me.  I'm physically and emotionally suffering from this roller-coaster.  I was just starting to accept the pregnancy.  I'm so confused and hurt and crying all the time.  I had to leave my boyfriend and now it seems my baby had to leave me.  I'm not that good with dealing with loss and I am afraid to let it all out because when I just show a fraction of what I am feeling about it I feel like my lungs have crushed and my hearts stopped.

Another Experience:

My therapist is the only I've ever talked to about this. I'm not sure you want a story like mine here...not sure it is appropriate for what you are trying to achieve. But here we go anyways...

I was pregnant when I was gang-raped. My partner is the one who organized the rape. I hadn't told him I was pregnant because I was waiting to see my doctor first. About 6 months before the rape I lost a baby and my partner was devastated. I wanted to wait to tell him about this pregnancy until I saw the doctor to make sure everything was OK.

So I can only answer your question #4

4. If you lost the baby, how did you feel then?
I was raped on Oct 3rd and lost the baby Oct 5th. I was in shock at the time, so I was told. My T thinks I was probably in shock for a long time after the rape. I have vivid memories of the rape but the 2-3 weeks that followed are a blur. Then I just got back into the routine. I went back to work once the visible injuries were healed. I blocked it all out for a really long time. I did suffer from flashbacks and nighmares... and still do.

I became severely depressed in January. Everything about the rape came back to me. I was completely overwhelmed. One of my major issues is that I feel like I killed my baby. If I had told my partner I was pregnant, he never would have orchestrated the gang-rape.

Two things happened to me the day I was raped. The first is that part of me was lost and the other was that part of me died. The losses are profound and devastating, I now live in a vast emptiness. The sense of guilt I have from killing my child is indescribable, the pain is excruciating.

I suffer from anxiety and I have been SI'ing for a while now. One of my triggers is babies/kids. I see a little baby and become very anxious. One of my best friends had a little girl in January and I can no longer go to her house. I can't support her. I've tried to go but literally have anxiety attacks in the car just thinking about going in to her house. I feel a lot of guilt and shame because of this.

I finally gathered the courage to seek the help of a therapist. Things are better now but I don't think I will ever be able to deal with the loss of my baby.

I'm sorry for rambling on and on...I know this is too much information.

Some of my answer:

I can see how you'd find that difficult to believe when you believe the rape is your fault. Oh, dear friend - just about everyone here has felt that what happened to them was their fault. I think it's a feeling that goes with being raped, regardless of the actual circumstances and any real blame. Being raped makes you feel so ... involved ... with the person or people who did it - it's hard not to feel identified with them and they were doing something so very wrong that people who would never do that and know it's wrong feel horrible being associated with it, feeling complicit.

I bet your therapist has told you that it's not your fault and that you can have no real way of knowing how what you did or didn't tell your partner about being pregnant affected his decisions. I know it must seem like if you'd told him he wouldn't have done what he did. My psychiatrist has said some useful things to me about things like this ... they might help? He said look at the whole context. Did you have any real choices in that situation? You certainly didn't choose to be raped - if you had it wouldn't have been rape. You didn't want them to do what they did. You didn't choose that at all. In that context, ALL the choices were being made by him and his "friends". You couldn't prevent them from doing what they chose to do. It hurts to feel so powerless, I know. If OK hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif If he could choose to arrange for you to be gang-raped, ever, then he was a very dangerous person to know and someone who didn't love you or care for you as he should have. That can be hard to accept too, I know. If OK more hug.gif s God knows how he would have behaved with a child who might or mightn't do exactly as he said. Who knows whether he would have had you raped anyway. If he could ever choose to do that then he wasn't thinking in a rational way. It's so hard to deal with that, I know - feeling that you made choices to keep yourself or someone else safe, but that in the end you had no power to do that. The other thing my psychiatrist says to me is - think about intention. You never, ever intended your child to be hurt in any way. You are hurting so much because you didn't, because you love them. You didn't tell, not because you wanted your little one hurt, but because you were being cautious and caring about your partner's reactions and feelings too. Your choice was a really sensible one. You had no way of knowing that he was planning to hurt you like that and no way of preventing it at the time - if you had, you would have! Your intentions were GOOD, your choices MADE GOOD SENSE, and your lack of control over the situation when he arranged for people to rape you meant that HE AND HIS FRIENDS ARE THE ONLY ONES TO BLAME.

I've found it hard to accept that I was not to blame ... it means more blame on the shoulders of the people who hurt me and I worry about the blame they carry and about the darkness of people being that cruel, intentionally. The people who hurt me might not have known all they were doing, but they didn't care. We have always cared. You care very much about what happened to your baby. I also find it hard to accept that I wasn't to blame because it makes it feel even less in my control what happened and I was trying so so hard to keep it together and do the right things and ... my choices had very little impact after all. But holding on to them and to making them has helped me survive as a person, I think. Your goodness shines through in your care for your child. I've also found it hard because I've felt I should have foreseen things. I think, though, that it's right that we don't spend our lives expecting such cruelty and wrong-ness. How could you foresee your partner (who you loved?) making such a terrible choice and acting in such a criminally awfully wrong way? I don't think anyone would have expected it. Your shock afterwards makes sense with that too!

I'm sorry if anything I've said is too hard to hear at the moment - I know it's a difficult thing to deal with. But I really hope you'll hear and be able to take in in time that it was not you who killed your child - it was him and his friends. You did not perform the actions that led to your little one's death. You did not make the choices that led to the gang-rape. You did not intend any harm to anyone. You are not to blame. If OK more hug.gif s

I've felt like I've killed my babies too. I may have caused one of the miscarriages I had. I couldn't protect them. I didn't tell anyone and so maybe that meant I kept getting pregnant and losing them etc. But the truth is I didn't make those choices. I didn't choose the context. I didn't have full control of my reactions. And I intended only to protect myself, and my children.

I understand the heart-ache and the guilt and shame and I hope you can hear from here (and I'm sure everyone here too) that you're COMPLETELY INNOCENT of what you accuse yourself of.

With so much gentleness and love for you and hoping this helps at least a little ...

1. Terrified, to the point that I couldn't breathe when I let myself think of the possibility. Very alone and ashamed because it'd mean people would know what I'd done (I thought the rape was my fault, I was also only 13 and that added to the terror).
2. Scared, confused, relieved because it meant that however alone I felt I wasn't alone, it was me and 'it'...invaded, re-violated because I had something inside me I hadn't asked for and didn't want to be there.
3. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks so I guess this question doesn't really count...
4. Emptier than I'd ever felt in my life. So alone. I hadn't told anyone so couldn't tell anyone I'd lost it. Guilty because I'd prayed for it to go away then it had. Hatred at myself because even my own baby hadn't stuck with me - it was like confirmation of how bad I was?
5. Horrified I'd gone through that all on my own, heartbroken for the little me, heartbroken for the lost potential life...overwhelmed by grief and sense of loss that didn't feel justified because it was so long ago yet intensity-wise felt like it had just happened. Scared to remember because it hurts too much - it's still something I rarely think about and never ever talk about - this is the first time I've been so open and wanted to thank you for providing the opportunity.

1. I never thought I would be. I had, had sex so many times by then, i just thought it would never happen. I had a big drinking problem, so I was taken advantage of A LOT. I wasn't feeling good, went to the doc and they said that I was pregnant. I think I went numb, don't really remember. I had NO idea that I could have been pregnant.
2. After reality set in: Very scared, ashamed, dirty. I was 18, just had finished my first year of college. I was still drinking very heavily, smoking pot and was on meds. The guy I met had just got out of prison, we never even went on a real date. I think it was the 3rd time I saw him, he date r* me. I was drunk, and would like to think if I was sober I would have kicked his ass. But the truth is, with all my history of abuse, that would have never happened because I still would have been just as scared as I already was.
3. I was very confused. I think I was around 4-6 weeks when I found out. My mom called my dad (who was working out of town, again) and I guess she didn't even have to tell him, he just said "she's pregnant isn't she". She wanted me to get an abortion. My dad said "lets not let this turn into like all the speeding tickets you get". I did a lot of research, since I was drinking a lot, smoking pot, and on meds, I wanted to see how it would affect the fetus. Not good. I remember a disabled child being at the library one day with his mom, while I was researching. He was crying, and kept saying he wanted to die, he didn't want to be like this. That made my decision right there.
4. I had an abortion. I went to planned parenthood, long story short the counselor said that I wasn't ready, so my mom said "f* you" and we went to a private doc. I cried the entire time. I think it was 2-3 years later, the 'father' sat down at the bar I was working at. He was with his friends and said all sarcastically "hey you remember me?" I completely froze, just about puked, then ran to the back of the bar. They were laughing at me as I ran off.

I am 36 now. I have an 11 year old boy, 9 year old girl, and 5 year old boy. I still think about that baby. I think it would have been a boy. The due date was mid March. Every March I think about that. What would I have named it? Would I have been a good mother? My kids tell me today all the time what a great mom I am. But I was so young then, and the baby came from a r*. Would I have taken my anger out on it? I don't think I would have, since I endured so much abuse growing up. The main thing I wonder; would I be where I am at today, if I would have made a different decision? I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful children. I have always told myself that the past is the past, it's what makes you who you are in the present. Right now I am having a hard time with the stuff from my past. I think I have swept it under the rug for too long now. But I am in therapy, and I have a great support system in my husband and Pandy's [www.pandys.org]. Thank you for doing this, and asking these questions. I blame myself for so much, as I am sure most do. But it is something I am working on. Take Care.

1. I was so young I am not sure that I could totally comprehend what had happened. But there was just so much abuse that she gave me something to live for.
2. She was everything and the only reason I had for anything. The gang rape killed a big part of me but somehow she made everything OK.
3. Nothing changed I couldn't have been happier I was going to keep her safe , I was only 13 and didn't think about the future I was in the moment..
4. I was devastated, I have never cried so hard in my life. I can remember screaming at the doctor, telling him I would be OK, such a great great loss of everything, It was made worse that no one knew so I just lived in the pain. Her name was Bella.

Added to the above: Thanks so much for your kind words. This is one part of my past that I am not sure will ever totally heal. I think that's a part of me that is just so sad.

I am going to try to answer the questions, even though I have avoided those type of things for a very long time.  How did I feel?  Sick, to my stomach, at heart, trapped, not only did he violate me, it was continuing and would always effect my life.  And when i was sure, I looked for a way out, and maybe that makes me a horrible person, but I could not go through with it, for many reasons, money, age, no support, would of destroyed what was left in my life, perhaps I was selfish, but as I heard myself say in the last therapy appointment, and the ring of truth in the statement, I had never said out loud, if I would not have had a choice, I would of walked off a very high bridge, I could not go through it.  So maybe I am horrible, because I ended it, but knowing the rapist, and how very sick he was, he would of claimed paternity and then what, visitations from him, pressure to marry him, he would have killed me or I would have killed myself, what he did would of happened over and over until it destroyed what was left of me.  Do I grieve? Yes, I do.  Not so much about that one other than it makes me sad that I had to make a choice between me and the child, and I feel guilty.  I grieve the fact that after that, children were not in my future, and the defining factor in the breakup of a 9 year relationship, was 3 miscarriages, so the fact I could not have kids was the fact that broke us apart, adoption was not an option (boyfriend's family and culture) so I said good bye and it broke my heart. The man I met and married has kids from previous marriage so he did not expect and I did not have to go through another miscarriage.  Maybe I don't belong in this discussion.  I do still feel guilty about it and sad, and grieving, and sometimes like a horrible monster.  For all that chose to be courageous and try to do it, I salute you, you are all much better than me.

I feel I need to put my answer to this one here:

Dear friend, you're not at all a terrible person. You did what you had to to survive and I'm really glad you did because you're a precious, worthwhile, good person and your life is very, very important! I think it's really natural to look for a way out. I did that too. I'm deeply sorry for your grief and pain. You're probably right about what he would have done and it made good sense to protect yourself. He could have hurt the baby too. I remember that for me some of it was about my grandfather's threats to torture and kill the baby in front of my eyes. I was so terrified about that and thought we'd both die anyway, so maybe it was the best way out to lose the baby. I still grieve very much for that too - we were both trapped into being pregnant and then into doing something we didn't want to because of the evil choices and violence of the people who raped us. Your little one's a victim of him too, and in no way was this your fault. If OK hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif s You did the best you could do in messed up circumstances. You TOTALLY belong in this discussion. I should have made that clearer maybe.

Everyone who had a termination too - you're welcome here. Or who had to give up your child for adoption. You're welcome here ... those are losses too and it makes sense you grieve them. I grieve for you too. I'm sorry I'm not being as clear as I'd like to be. It's hard to think outside my own experiences, which is why I wanted to ask you guys in the first place.

Thank you very much, dear friend. You're as brave and as good as the rest of us and I'm so sorry you were hurt.

I'm deeply sorry for all of us having to go through this.

More Answers:

1. Terrified and completely numb at the same time.
2. Hard to say because it didn't even occur to me that I was pregnant and I didn't realize I had been until I miscarried
3. See above
4. I miscarried quite early on. I was terrified (didn't understand at first what was happening), disgusted ('that was in my body?!'. I felt almost 'recontaminated' {hope that makes sense}), and more then anything incredibly relieved. I was 16, had told no one what had happened (and wouldn't for another 6 years- the rape I mean. This is my first time talking about the miscarriage). Looking at it now I feel some guilt as well. Not over the miscarriage itself but over how she (to my mind the fetus was always a girl) died. I know I would have ended up having an abortion anyway (was in no position to raise a child; and have never wanted to do so); but really bother me that she wasn't given a final resting place- that she ended up in a toilet bowl and then a sewer system. Yes the idea of her being inside me was repulsive but I still feel like she deserved a dignified burial. I'm planning on doing a symbolic one this summer.

1. In denial, numb, afraid.
2. Terrified, alone, disbelief, and afraid for the baby because of my abuser.
3. I can now accept it and it gives me something to look forward to beyond the rape.

1. I felt horrified, scared, panic, shame, words just can't describe how I felt.
2. I fainted, that's how shocked and scared I was.
3. I hated myself more and more. Everyday that passed I got more scared.
4. I actually felt a little relieved because I really didn't want the baby and I didn't want to deal with what I went through.
5. If you remembered losing the baby a long time afterwards, how did you feel as you remembered?
Still scared, I get butterflies every time I remember.

From the second person who answered above, in reply to this:
I wanted to say thank you for being so honest in your reply...you voiced something I've always been too ashamed to say or even think. Something I've hated myself for. I felt relieved about losing the baby. Wow...it's weird writing those words...it was a relief because it meant I didn't have to deal with any of it, I was free to pretend none of it had happened. It was like I could breathe again.

I haven't really talked about this much... so I'm kind of nervous about even talking about being raped... but I will answer the questions my best..
1. Honestly... I didn't think I was at first... I knew I felt tired and off, but I thought maybe it was just PMS. Until my period didn't come for a few days, and I finally decided to buy a test.
2. I burst into tears when it turned positive almost immediately, I started hyperventilating, I felt terrified, sick, wasn't sure how this could have happened. At that point, I did not remember what had happened, because I was drugged when it happened. The main feelings I dealt with at that point were shock and fear.
3. I am 10 weeks now, and I am still scared. I'm angry, at myself mainly right now for all that happened. I'm scared at the idea of being a single mother, at the idea of being a mother at all. But I know now that I do care about my baby, and it's a part of me. I'm not sure how I'll feel as the pregnancy goes on, but that's what I am dealing with right now.
4. I thought I was losing it this morning, I began bleeding. It was then that I realized that I do care for my baby, regardless of how it came to be. I'm thankful my baby is okay, and I'm hoping I'm strong enough to deal with the challenges this brings.From someone who'd rather I didn't use her exact words:

About a friend (with her permission):
1. She was in denial and shock even though she was aware that something didn't feel quite right with her body.  She kept pretending it wasn't happening, like many other women in similar circumstances.
2. Her mother started to notice her slight gain and how tired she was.  So they went to the doctor, who confirmed she was 5 months pregnant.  She knew who was responsible - the person who raped her - and cried admitting to the doctor that the pregnancy was a result of being raped.  In the end she knew it wasn't her fault or the fault of her little girl.
3. At first she used to say, "I'm growing a monster inside me.  I can't raise a devil."  But that changed when her little girl was born and she saw her for the first time.  She knew the baby was her own and not her rapist's.

1. Scared, really terrified.  The thought of his baby growing inside me made me physically ill.
2. I wanted to commit suicide.  The day I got the positive test I was suicidal and had a thought about [a specific plan].  It didn't get the chance to change before I lost her.
3. They didn't really get a chance to as I lost her quite early.
4. Grief stricken, like I wanted to keep her, I wanted to love her, and give her a chance even though she was conceived by violence, then relieved because my secret was still kept.

1. To start with I completely stuck my head in the clouds. I 'didn't realise' (I put it like that as looking back I think I did) until I was 20 weeks! I knew my tummy was getting bigger, I put it down to eating too much. My periods stopped, I put it down to stress or 'one of those things'. This sounds so silly now! Then I remember walking down the stairs to get ready for my appointment with the doctor and I smacked myself in the stomach, only once and without emotion. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was confirming that I already knew.
2. When you found out you were how did you feel (did that change)?
My doctor confirmed it pretty much as soon as I'd told her my periods had stopped and I had abdominal swelling - durr! I have a feeling subconsciously I knew! She told me I was 20 weeks gone. Then it's weird, I kind of responded how I thought I should. I started crying, although I was numb inside, and then I said I wanted a termination, when actually I hadn't processed it. It's like I was following a script. She said well it's too late for that, I'll try and get you a scan and sent me away crying! I walked home in the rain as though I wasn't there. I told my mum who immediately asked who's it was. I told her the name of a bloke I'd been seeing and even though we hadn't slept together for over a year as we'd broken up I 'decided' it was his. I knew I would never lie to him and tell him. But in my mind it was his. I didn't do it to get at him, I did it for me to tell myself, to make it OK. From that moment on I fell in love with my unborn baby, completely, unconditionally. Because I had convinced myself that nothing had happened, this was my ex's baby and I was going to bring it up alone.
3. Because I had put myself in a state of mind where everything was OK, I loved it. I couldn't wait to meet my baby. I felt special and just lived in a bubble. I felt sad I had no one to share stuff with but I loved my baby. It's now that I'm beginning to deal with it after all these years. It's hard to explain. I genuinely lived in another state of mind where it never happened.
I understand this all sounds weird, it sounds weird written down! I'm taking small steps as I need to get to a certain place where I can understand how to talk to my daughter about it all. To get to that point where I'm ready, and I hope I have a little time as she's only 8, I think I need to process things one tiny bit at a time. I feel a lump in my throat at the moment and a few tears but I'm not ready to have a big cry!  OK, maybe I am because I'm now crying! I think I'm crying for what's to come, for the pain I'm going to cause my daughter. I'm sorry. I wanted this to be a glimmer of hope for anyone who might be pregnant reading this! One thing I know is I would go through it all again and again if I had to, my daughter is amazing and the feelings of love I have for her are overwhelming at times. Almost painful as I love her so much I never want to see her hurt face when eventually we talk. I've read all the stories and feel relief I'm not alone. I'm so glad I am finally beginning to talk about it after 8 years!

I'll start by saying that I repressed the memory of the pregnancy and the SA that went along with it, only to recall it with horror in 2008 and be completely freaked out.
1. I remember I was really afraid. I was scared of what people would say and what might happen if I said I needed to go to the doctor. I was pretty overwhelmed by the whole situation and not knowing what to do about it. I was SA'd by a lot of different people around this time and I didn't know for certain which of them was the father, but I had a gut feeling that it was my father, so that made me even more scared.
2. I don't know if the way I found out has/had a bearing on it, but the terror certainly intensified. My father made me take the test in front of him.  I mention that because it explains some of why the terror increased - I didn't think I wanted the baby but I was so afraid of what my father planned for him and me.  I was confused because I didn't know if I wanted the baby... Well, in truth, I hated that baby for existing. I was disgusted and so ashamed, and I was so tangled up in emotions that I didn't know my right from my left.
3. Unfortunately my pregnancy didn't progress much further so I can't answer this one. My father intervened on the pregnancy and after a sickening "ceremony", my body rejected the baby and I miscarried.
4. Guilty beyond belief. I blamed myself for losing him both because I hadn't wanted him in the first place, and because of the way I lost him. And I was so glad, at the same time, because it meant I didn't have to try and explain to my mum. I felt a lot of blame directed at the baby and at myself, a lot of anger and hatred. And when the memory first surfaced those feelings were still all I had.  Now that I've done some work on processing it all, my feelings have changed a lot. I still feel horribly guilty, but now I also feel anger at my father and everyone who was involved in that ceremony. I'm angry at my mum about it, too, these days, and at the world in general. There's also a great deal of sadness for what might have been, but a level of acceptance - I could never have kept that baby safe and I honestly believe that he is better off not having survived. I have a lot of guilt around the fact that I "forgot" his existence for so long, and that I grieved more deeply when I lost his half sister (even though I do recognise the situation as chalk/cheese - aside from the fact I was an adult, my husband & I were trying to conceive for more than a year before I fell pregnant with her).

 

1. I was raped at a Halloween and when high school broke up for Christmas I still hadn't had my period. It occurred to me quite suddenly when I was sitting in maths on the last day of term that I might be pregnant. I felt sick, faint, terrified, completely terrified.
2. We finished school at lunchtime and I went into town with some friends and secretly bought a pregnancy test. I was too scared to do it for a few days. When it was positive I remember my heart racing. I thought I was going to explode. I was scared of having to tell my mum, I'd tried to tell her about the rape and she'd called me a liar and a slut.
3. I went completely numb. I just tried to be normal. I'm not sure if I could have kept this up for long. I felt disgusted to have something belonging to him inside me still.
4. On Christmas morning I woke up early with awful tummy pain and noticed I was bleeding. It was about 6 in the morning and I took some paracetamol and went and ran a bath. I thought the pregnancy test had been wrong and this was my period. I was so relieved. I lay in the bath for a couple of hours topping up the water. It was completely red with blood and clots. The pain was awful, much worse than any period pain I've ever experienced. I thought I was dying and being punished. My sister eventually wanted into the bathroom and wanted to know what I'd got from Santa. I spent the rest of the day taking painkillers. They helped a bit. I was so relieved to 'get my period'. I told my mum I had bad period pain and she was nice and I ate Christmas lunch hugging a hot water bottle. The next day there wasn't much bleeding. Completely different to my usual periods.
5. It was years before I realised that this was probably a miscarriage. I feel guilty about how pleased I am that it happened. It was the absolute best outcome for me. I feel so guilty for not loving my child and being relieved that it died. I want to love it and say sorry. I have no idea how to do this.

Part of a reply from me:

I really get what you mean about not realizing till much later that it was probably a miscarriage. I had a very bad "period" when I was 14 that I've always remembered but only figured out much more recently was a miscarriage. I know it was now. But at the time I had no idea I could be pregnant, since I'd forgotten the rapes. You're so not alone in feeling disgusted and extra-violated at having something of him still inside you. I think almost all of us have felt that at some stage in some way. It's a tough one. I'm really sorry about you having to eat Xmas lunch with a water bottle. My mum was very sympathetic and kind to me too about my bad "periods", which were usually that I'd been badly hurt there or was traumatized and flashbacky (I think) or was miscarrying. It's kind of good and painful to remember her kindness at the same time. I'm so very sorry your mum had called you a slut and a liar about the rape. If OK I'd like to send you a ton of hugs about that hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif I think it's really understandable that you'd be relieved not to have to go through a pregnancy or tell people or deal with what to do for a baby, especially when you were still at school and not being supported about the rape. That's not being a horrible person, that's just being a person! I felt the same way about loving my little ones and saying sorry because I was relieved and because I felt it was the best thing that I'd lost them as I did. Feeling it's the best thing of a bad situation doesn't take the grief away, really ... it just seems to make it harder to express and more confused. I don't know if you've seen the threads I've written about what I did to remember and grieve for my little ones ... maybe those ideas will help you too? I didn't start off feeling love for all of them, but it was a process that helped me connect a bit more too. I write about it on the site. 

I'm going to try to answer these questions for you. I've really been struggling with this and you have had so many encouraging words for me through it all, I only hope I can help you as much as you have helped me.
1.I pretty much knew I was from the time it happened. Everything else in my life was going to shit, it would be the icing on the cake. I know what happened was my fault, and it would serve me right to end up pregnant for being so stupid.
2. I was scared. I didn't know where i was going to come up with the money to get rid of it. I didn't know how I was going to explain everything. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and I hated myself.
3. I knew I wasn't fit to be anyone's mother, I couldn't even take care of myself. I drank heavily, self-injured and tried to suicide so I didn't have to explain it to anyone. I would rather have died than to have anyone find out what i had done to myself.
4.I was so relieved, and so horrified with myself. I pushed it away and managed to just shrug it off and pretend it didn't happen.
5. I started having trouble a little while ago, it will have been nine months since I let my ex-husband hurt me. I keep having terrible dreams where he finds me and rapes me over and over telling me I have to give him another baby since I killed his. He keeps me hostage for the entire pregnancy then takes the baby after I give birth and leaves me there to bleed out... I keep hearing a baby cry when there are none around, and I feel so guilty. I never wanted kids. I certainly didn't want that one, and yet, even though I wasn't pregnant very long, I feel like a horrible terrible person for losing it.

Another reply from me:

My dear friend, I'm so very sorry that you've felt so much guilt and blame over this. It sucks that when people hurt us they hurt us like this and we feel responsible. If OK sending you an absolute truckload of hugs hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif and will send more any time you'd like them. Thank you very, very much for answering this thread. I hope what you've written will really help me help other people going through this stuff. You're a brave, kind person to write that - thanks.

Oh, dear friend. You didn't deserve that! I understand how you were thinking at the time, but I hope you're getting more able to see that it wasn't your fault, that you weren't being stupid but were trapped, like so many people here (none of them stupid) have been or are, and that it was all his fault. There is just nothing that could ever make being raped and abused your fault and not his. It's not one of those there are two sides to an argument situations. Raping someone is NEVER OK! It was him and not you that made the situation so bad. You were doing the best you could. And you're amazing to have found a way out and to have taken it and be working so hard on recovering! Really amazing and great!

I can understand the chief thought in your mind being how to hide it. It was many times for me too. I thought that my grandfather would kill anyone who found out what he was doing (he'd said he would) and if I got pregnant - how could I hide it? How could I make sure no one I loved, or anyone, found out and got killed for that. I was terrified too.

I was also really ashamed - I felt responsible too for being hurt and I felt like everyone would think I was kinky somehow because I was carrying my grandfather's child. So messed up. "Incestuous" you know ... sounds so disgusting. I am so sorry that you felt you'd rather die than have anyone know because you felt so ashamed. You have no reason for shame, my beautiful friend, except that you were made to feel it by him as part of his torture of you, and a very nasty, ongoing one too sad.gif hug.gif

I can also understand just wanting to push it away. I remember one where I was so repelled ...

trigger.gif
I lost the baby and that was the first I knew of being pregnant. I threw it to go down the drain in the toilet because I was just so repelled and couldn't believe it. Horrified. In denial. I picked it up later ...

Please, dear friend, if you can listen carefully to this ... you never, ever "let" your ex hurt you. He took his chance to trap you and hurt you and you did what you could to survive. I don't care if you "gave in" or didn't fight or whatever - you didn't want this, and he was the cause of it, not you. You did all you could to get through it intact and that was wise and good and smart and not stupid or bad. Your pain is not something you've brought on yourself - it's something that he dumped on you. I know it can be so hard to take that in and believe it but it's the truth so I'll keep saying it in case it helps!

Oh, sweetheart, dear, good friend, you didn't kill his baby and you never owed him one! He set up a situation where the baby was conceived and subsequently lost. You didn't choose to be pregnant and you didn't choose the consequences either. That was something he did when he raped you. It goes with raping someone that you risk this. He knew that. He could have not done it. You could not have made it not happen - if you could have you soooo would have. The baby died, but BOTH of you are innocent victims in all this. I'm so so sorry you're having this nightmare and that you're feeling so bad about yourself. I'm so sorry that you're hearing a baby cry etc. I think it's really natural and human that we, as parents, feel responsible for what happens to our kids, whether they live or die (even though it's not all in our control). It's normal to feel like you're to blame somehow - even people who've not been raped feel that way very often about losing their little ones. You're not a terrible, horrible person, not for any reason. You're just a normal and hurt human being. I think relief is something that many of us feel and then feel bad about. We know that it wasn't a good time for a child, but we still feel bad for thinking that. I don't think that's your fault - that's just seeing the situation for what it was.

I love you, dear friend. Hang in there! Truly none of this is your fault. Plus I'm picky about who I love smile.gif So don't forget you're great. If OK hugs

1. SO scared. I had only told one person and he helped me out by getting me a test and letting me stay with him while I took it. But even then, I was terrified.
2. I think I was more angry than I was scared at the time. I was angry that not only had he left me with scars on my leg and side, but now this?
3. As awful as this sounds, I wasn't going to have my rapist's child. I terminated the pregnancy.
4. Honestly, I felt horrible. Even though terminating it was the best thing for me personally, it was still part mine. I know I am not ready for children, especially one that would be a constant reminder of what happened. Part of me still wishes I hadn't gone through with it, but I know it was for the best. 


1. Confused. Sick. Shame. Petrified. Lost.
2. I found out 4 months into the pregnancy, after lots of denial and a doctor who told me it was just stress from dealing with the rape. I was scared of my friends view of me (I kept the rape a secret from them) and I was a youth leader in my church and have a strong involvement with the church. I do not believe in pre-marital sex and was nervous of the reactions I would get from people in my church considering i was pregnant and not married. Would I have to tell everyone? Would they believe me? Would I be asked to leave the church? or the youth that I had been leading for four years?
3. I didn't actually care that it was his baby. I never saw it as that. The baby was mine. She had my DNA and was in my body. I loved her from the moment I knew of her existence. I was scared, but excited, and nervous.
4. I lost my daughter at 21 weeks gestation/three and a half weeks after I found out that I was pregnant. She was very tiny, and only lived for three minutes after birth. They worked on her, and finally let me hold her to say goodbye. I had only told one person that I was pregnant, a good friend, who brought me to the hospital when I started bleeding. He stayed with me and let me stay at his place for two days after. He helped me have her cremated and we let her ashed go in the ocean. I regret that now more then ever. My family didn't know and I was living with my parents at the time. I named her Samaya Marie and I love her every moment of every day. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. More then broken bones or the pain of having my virginity taken by a man who beat me and raped me and then told me he loved me. I didn't eat for more then a week, and only because family forced me to. My mother thought I was catatonic, and didn't know why. I snapped out of it only so that I wouldn't have to talk about it with anyone. After all, no one had known I was pregnant to start with.

1. Felt like there was a reason to not be suicidal...sick...glad I was open to abortion
2. Confirmed I was in tune with my body
3. Couldn't go through with abortion, to my surprise, total focus on keeping the baby healthy...didn't cope with the assault....began to feel like I didn't want to discuss being a survivor or healing because that would stain the baby's rep.


1, I was terrified. I'm only 16. I was scared, I didn't know if I could raise a baby on my own, I was considering adoption. But I told my best friend and she helped me a lot to realise I'm not a horrible mom for being scared.
2. It changed it a way. I'm a junior in high school. But I decided that I'd be able to have this baby and raise it, so I decided to keep it. My best friend and her boyfriend, a close friend of mine, helped and support me a lot. I'm still terrified of what's gonna happen, but with a little help I think I'll be fine.
3. Well I found out a few days ago so it hasn't progressed that much, but I'm starting to get excited, my friends' support is wonderful. I'm also starting to get scared of having to tell my mom and of what people at school will think, cause I don't plan on telling anyone else beside my friends who the father is, I think I'll just say I told the guy I slept with and he didn't want to be a part, so i'm not mentioning his name and that's that.
I haven't lost the baby so I won't answer the last question. It's hard to be a rape pregnancy but at 16 it's super hard, cause I'm still a kid myself, but I think I'm making the right decision by keeping it, I have a lot of support by my two friends.
I guess I can answer #4 now.  I recently, as in yesterday, miscarried.  I'm a mix of emotions.  I thought I would be relieved but I'm not, I'm devastated.  I was only 6 weeks, but I was still excited.

 


1. Scared shitless. I didn't want my parents to find out that this man had been abusing me.
2. I didn't know until I miscarried. I just had an extremely hard time realizing that there was a life inside of me. A life that a man twice my age had created. I didn't know how to feel.
3. I miscarried VERY early on, so this doesn't apply.
4. I didn't know if I should feel sad or happy.
I was upset about the way it happened.
He beat the shit out of me under my stomach area forever.
I miscarried the next day.
He did it on purpose.
I still am conflicted.
Part of me feels like I have a dead child and that I should mourn about that.
Part of me is soooooooo thankful that I didn't have to go through a pregnancy.

1. Terrified, embarrassed.
2. The same and even more hopeless.
3. Not really, I made the decision to abort and even went as far as making an appointment. The day before I decided to keep the baby although I didn't think I could ever love it like my other kids. The day after my canceled abortion I started losing the baby.
4. Relieved because I wouldn't have to deal with it. Guilty because I didn't want the baby in the first place.I felt like it wasn't loved and I failed because of that.  Happy because now I could go on with college and work.  Guilty because I wasn't sad.  Worried - what would another baby do to my kids, how could I support us all, what would everyone say, would I be able to treat it right?

1. Well, at the time, all I really thought about was that I needed to know as soon as I could so I could "get it out of me." At first I thought I would kill myself if I became pregnant from such a nightmare. I was kidnapped by 3 strangers and raped repeatedly, etc., for hours and the thought of having something of theirs inside of me was enough to make me die. It would have been like repeating torture at it's highest level.
2. I can't even put into words how I actually felt. I tried "not" to feel and to "get rid of it" as quickly as I could. The thought of keeping anything of "theirs" was an impossibility. I felt contaminated, dirty, awful, disgusting,embarrassed, shameful, used, etc. I felt worse than I ever felt about anything. This is certainly a feeling I could write about for days. I felt like I was being repeatedly tortured for a million hours AGAIN when I found out I was pregnant. There was only one choice for me, which was terminating it.
3. I found out and terminated it within 3 days. I never for one second felt like it was a "real" person inside me. Wrong or not, I felt like it was poison!
4. and 5. don't pertain to me

Another part of a reply from me:

I know what you mean. It can be really overwhelming at times for me too. I can completely understand how you felt like it was torture to be pregnant from that kind of experience. One of my pregnancies was through a week of rapes by many different people. I did feel differently about the little one I had briefly and miscarried through that experience than how I did about the little ones conceived by rape by my grandfather. That's awful in a different way. I felt like since I knew who was the "other half" when it was him I could reconcile that somehow, I could work with the idea ... not that it wasn't extra-repellant because it was someone I was related to, but it was also ... more connecting? I didn't feel much connection at all when I remembered the little one I lost from that week. I mainly remember feeling completely furious that they did that to me, made me go through that. I think a lot of people feel like you did and do. It's so hard. I think too that people feel very different in different pregnancies (even the same stage, even the same woman and biological parents) and at different stages - sometimes you have a sense of the little "thing" inside you as a person, or potential person or precious in some way, other times there's no real sense of any life there. And maybe that's because some live and some don't too - maybe we know somehow which are on their way to life and which not? I don't know. Thanks so much for sharing how you felt so honestly and clearly. I can relate to it and I'm really, really sorry you were put through that - all of it.  

1. I was devastated and terrified.
2. I cried for days and fell into a deep depression. I felt disgusting and hated my body.
3. It took a few months but I realized one day that I did love my baby. I was still scared but I didn't want to give her up anymore. I love her with all my heart! 

More Answers:

Part 1

It started with a cuddle, then a kiss, then I said no more, cos I was recovering from an appendectomy.  We were in my parent's house, my home at the time, sitting on the sofa.  I was 19.  We were engaged and went onto get married.  We were both Christians.  We had been having consensual sex for a while.  This day was different.  He had taken control of birth control, researched natural family planning.  That was my first big mistake.

He hadn't had any sexual contact with me for a few weeks because I was ill and in hospital.  He decided that this was the day he would.

He said it was safe, I was saying NO cos I still had stitches in my stomach.  He didn't listen.  I had my nightie on, he swung my legs round so they were over the edge of the settee and forced his way in.  (I blocked this from my mind for over 20 yrs after).  I have never spoken to anyone about this, dare I call it rape?  He was my fiance and it wasn't the first time we had sex, was this in my mind?

Part 2

A couple of months on I was feeling sick a lot and having stomach pains.  I kept being sick and couldn't hold a lot down.  Although I was still having my periods I was worried so I did a pregnancy test and it was positive.  I didn't tell anyone, I panicked, I felt ashamed and embarrassed.  I had a hot bath, drank a bottle of gin and thumped my stomach so hard that it bruised.  A few days later I had a really heavy period.  I had to change the sheets as I flooded overnight.  I was relieved that it was all over.  I knew I had miscarried.

Part 3

I continued to be sick and have stomach pains.  I was pale and losing weight.  People were worried about me, particularly my mum.  She took me to the doctor and they instigated tests at the hospital.  They thought it was adhesions due to the appendectomy and said I needed another operation.  Before this operation I had a number of tests including many stomach x-rays, chemicals and medicines put into my body and internal examinations.

I went down to theatre and when I woke up, a very worried doctor was there.  He said my uterus was very swollen and asked if I knew I was pregnant.  I didn't.  They called my fiance into the hospital and together we decided to tell my parents.  Being Catholic I was worried how they'd react but he said it would be OK.

When my mum came in she was very angry but said we could sort it out.  I was due to be married in a few months and from a little girl I had always wanted to wear my mum's wedding dress.  She made it quite clear that if I kept the baby I couldn't do that.  I was more worried about my mum's wedding dress than my baby.

Part 4

We had a visit to the local maternity hospital.  Mum came with me.  We were told that due to the investigations I had undergone previously the baby was most probably brain-damaged.  They made me listen to the baby's heartbeat.  Mum explained that we couldn't understand that I was pregnant when I was still having my periods.  The doctor did an examination (I really can't remember much of this) and then commented that I was carrying twins but had miscarried one.  I think I had a scan cos mum wouldn't let me look at the screen.

I can't clearly remember what happened next except the doctor said an abortion would be too dangerous at this stage so I would have to go ahead with the pregnancy and accept that the baby would probably die.

Part 5

Mum took control again.  She found out about an advisory service in a near by city and arranged an appointment there.

Mum knew it was nearing the legal limit and this had to be done quickly.  I had to speak to a counsellor separately from my mum cos they needed to know that I wasn't being coerced in any way.  They said it was very unusual for a young girl to come in with her mum.  I was sent to another clinic for an ultrasound, mum's words echoed in my mum, "don't look, whatever you do".  I was a good girl.  I didn't look.  The man asked me if I wanted to look.  He wanted me to see my baby.  I didn't even realise it was a baby.  I thought it was a group of cells.  I was so naive.  A return date of 2 days was planned, as this was the first date possible.

 

Part 6

 

1st June 1987 fiance took me to the clinic.  Said goodbye and that he loved me.  I had my bad packed and in it was my teddy bear.  I took him out and clung on to him tight.

 

In the room were about 20 girls, just like me, people from all walks of life, all ages.  They showed us a video but it didn't sink in.  I still didn't know what was going to happen to my baby or me.  They gave us tea and biscuits and then we chatted a little. 

 

We were taken into a room full of beds. I sat next to another girl, just like me.  She already had a little boy but they couldn't afford another one.  We talked a lot and I felt sorry for her.  She was my friend while we were there.  We helped each other through.  She wanted to exchange details and keep in touch but my mum had told me not to tell anyone who I was and not to make friends with anyone or give them my address.  Again I wish I hadn't listened to her.

 

After a while the doctor and nurses came in and closed the curtains round each bed.  We were given a gown to put on.  I think we then  had to take a tablet.  The next thing I can remember is a piercing scream coming from the other ends of the room and then 2 nurses and a doctor coming out.  They then went into the next cubicle and the same happened.  They took a tray of implements with them.  I remember thinking that must be it and then it's over.  How stupid, eh?

 

The screams got closer and closer until it was my turn.  I thought that this was it.  I remember praying and asking God to forgive me.  Then the 2 nurses held me down and the doctor pushed up my gown. He took something off the trolley and punctured it into my stomach.  Fluid shot up and hit my face.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was crying and in so much pain.  They just walked away, I said is that it and then a nurse came back.  She put a drip in my arm and told me that the worst was yet to come.  She was right.

 

That is all I've remembered so far.

 

1. When you thought you might be pregnant how did you feel?
I really didn't think I was until I really started showing signs 
of being pregnant and even then I wasn't ready to face that I could 
be. I felt scared and sad.
2. When you found out you were how did you feel (did that change)?
When I found out I was I felt broken, angry, sad. 
3. How did your feelings about the pregnancy change as it progressed?
I'm 10 weeks now. I have days where I am OK and I get a little excited 
about the babies but then I have days where I feel like I want to curl
up in a ball and just disappear from life.
4. If you lost the baby, how did you feel then?
I'm not sure how I would feel if I lost the babies to be

honest. I want to think that I would be sad but I'm not sure  

 

 

I am not going to answer the questions in order because in my case I hadn't remembered the pregnancy till this past week when I had a flashback. I was around 11 when I became pregnant. I probably had no idea what was happening to me. Even though my mother had handed me over to a distant relative to rape when ever he so chose since I was five in exchange for money, and i knew that what he was doing could make me pregnant, I disassociated so severely, that I totally blocked out that part of my life until now. I am 34. So I can only tell you how I feel now, and what I was feeling during the flashback. In the flash back i was definitely scared. The man who raped me, and fathered this child was a paramedic. And he proceeded to make sure I aborted, by kicking and punching me in the stomach until I began to bleed out. I was terrified. After the memory, I can say, I am in shock. I am sad and angry that I was forced to lose this child, whom I feel was a boy. Even though I was just a child myself. I am angry that he didn't have a chance. What was done to me, was not his fault. He would have been around 22 now. Graduating from college. Just starting to live. I named him Gabriel. I hate that I did not get to know him, to love him, to hold him and kiss his little head. That I could not rock him, and sing to him. They stole that from me. My own mother made sure to kill her own grandchild. What horrors people are capable of.  I'm sorry, I am still trying to come to terms with this new memory. It has really shocked me, so much so that I can't even cry. I am afraid that once I do, I will not be able to stop. :( 


1. Numb as I wanted to ignore it and how it came about, terrified of how I could explain it, disgusted that this could happen due to such a serious assault, abhorrence of myself that part of 'him' was growing inside me, despairing as I didn't know how I could carry on.
2. As well as the response to question 1 I felt total dismay, I fell right to the edge, couldn't cope and wanted to end my life
3. The intense hatred of myself and the pregnancy kept growing, I was falling deeper and deeper.
4. I was 16 weeks pregnant and the day before my 19th birthday I took a massive overdose. I couldn't take anymore and the only way I could make things go away was to end it. I became violently ill and over the next few weeks lost the baby. I never dealt with any emotions or feelings at the time because the pregnancy was gone and was one less thing to deal with. I didn't seek medical attention. It is only recently that I have started dealing with the pregnancy and loss for what it was. 

Hope this helps.  Safe hugs to all.

 

1. Lost, Terrified, Angry.
2. Sick, alone and scared, wanted to die, yes changed after he was born.
3. How can I do this/ I'm so messed up. Began to hate everything.
4. I got to know him for 13 months, I just started to love him and he drowned. How could God allow me to suffer something that caused me to have to bring another being into this screwed up world, and leave me so angry, then just when I start to heal and be able to hold him and look him in the eyes and feel no resentment, why would God wait until then to take my angel away?!
An ache that never goes away. 

 

Another Experience:

 

My father, (my abuser) refused even the idea of abortion.  He forced me to agree to give my baby away.  He made me sign all those stupid legal papers.  This obviously happened before anyone knew that my father was the father of my baby.  But (between my father and I) we both knew the truth.

I was very terrified of disobeying him. Because he was so violent with me.  And I was still living with him at the time, when he made me sign those legal papers.  And so I felt like I had no choice.  He told me that I was too young.  (I was 13 at the time) and that I would not be a good mother.

Also, being 13 years old, I felt also that I was too young to be a mother.  I just couldn't handle all of the things that I had to deal with.  Because of that, I sort of felt that maybe it would be better if I gave my baby away too.  But I really did not get a chance to really make an informed decision about what to do.  I was sort of forced to give up my baby by my father.

After having to go through all of that. And after having signed all of those legal papers, I was depressed.  I revealed the truth about my abuse to my English teacher, Miss M. She was the first person who I was able to talk to about my abuse. Although Miss M could not stop my baby from being given away (after all it was at this point all legal) Miss M, decided to help me through my pregnancy and help me find therapy. She was the person who held my hand and helped me in the delivery room, when I gave birth to my baby girl.

My baby ended up in foster care.  And she still is there today. These days, I am saving my money so that she can come back and live with me.  Miss M helped me get the courts to give me an opportunity to get my daughter back. And I don't want to mess up this chance that I have now. My daughter is just so wonderful and so precious to me.

Right now, I have a plan of how I want to save my money. But I think building a plan for your baby is based on what works for you. If you want to keep your baby, you need to be financially and emotionally ready for this. You need to create the right kind of environment for your child to grow up in. Being a mom, takes a lot of time, patience and energy. But it is also so fun too. When I look at my daughter, I just feel so happy. I don't think I would have been able to progress and make it this far without her.

 

1. I kept telling myself it wasn't possible, that after everything this couldn't be happening as well. I was in denial I guess and told myself I was just stressed and that is why my period was so late.
2. I was still in denial. I made the doctor do two tests to be 100% sure because I "refused to get myself worked up over something that might not be." My first thought after that was what if the baby looks like him? I can't possibly handle the constant reminder of that every day for the rest of my life. A couple of hours later it sank in and I felt sick, terrified, ashamed because it meant explaining how I ended up pregnant if I decided to keep the baby, and completely and utterly alone. Now it's been about a week since I found out and I have started to accept it though I feel grief over what has happened and am still very scared and unsure and somewhat alone still though less so after reading others posts.
3. I'm not far into the process yet (I'm almost 5 weeks) but so far I guess every day it feels a little more real and I am slowly coming out of denial and beginning to accept what has happened despite the circumstances through which I became pregnant and just trying to figure out what I feel is going to be best for me in the long term. So far I am about 99% certain that I am going to deliver and keep the baby but I'm still talking with people who I trust to help me be sure that this is what I really want to do. 
Sorry but 4 and 5 do not, at least as of right now, apply to me. Thank you so much for starting this thread. I have found it very comforting to not feel so alone after reading the posts and thank you to all who have posted as well for your perspectives.
It seems that due to recent events I need to amend / add to my post sad.gif :
4. If you lost the baby, how did you feel then?
I lost my baby June 5th. I felt shocked, disbelief, terror, heartbreak, and confusion. I wanted to run away and hide and never come out. I can't believe this has happened and I feel devastated. Even though it was hard for me to accept that I was pregnant and I was a bit angry at first I had come to accept what had happened and I would even say I had started to love my baby and now all that has been ripped away. The hardest part is that no one around me seems to know how to handle it either so the whole thing seems to be quite a lonely process. Mostly the past couple of days I feel numb.

 

This isn't something I have really talked about, and don't like to talk about. But I feel like I finally need to start getting it out. I can't hold it down any longer.
1. Horrified. And numb. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't want to believe it - I tried so hard to pretend like I didn't know what was about to come.
2. First I was terrified. Then I was angry. Then guilty. The previous month, just after my attack, I had been doing heavy drugs and drinking...to forget the pain. And now I realized how much harm I could and probably did to a helpless child who did not deserve to be brought into this world that way.
3. I was worried all the time, worried about the baby's safety and health. As angry as I was and as much as I knew I wouldn't and couldn't handle taking care of a child, I loved him. And I began to enjoy being pregnant.
4. I lost my baby at almost 4 months. I was devastated. As much as I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother, and as angry as I was at my attacker, I was sad. And then I felt extreme guilt. And I still do. I know that my actions were probably to blame for the miscarriage. And for that, I can never forgive myself.

 

1. I was absolutely terrified!! I mean... 14, dad's my best friend/rapist, I've grown up in an EXTREMELY LDS [Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints] community and being surrounded by religious people made it so I would have become people's "project" (them trying to fix me, etc.) since I was too young to get a job, I had NO money, being on my high school cheer team meant that I would have to quit, hurting my team, and making sure that the whole school would know about the baby.
2. Just... shocked. Terrified. But surprisingly as soon as I found out I became very protective of the baby. I didn't know whether I loved it or hated it yet, but I was very very protective. Then the issue came.. what do I say? To my parents? Family? Team? Coach? Friends? DAD?!?!
3. At first I was very upset that something that was his was inside of me. I was so angry that what he did to me was going to affect me even more than it already had. But it didn't take long for me to come to love the baby unconditionally. I would sit on my bed, hand on my stomach, and just talk to her (for some reason I've always said her) for hours at a time. Telling her about me, her future family, how sorry I was that things were going to be hard when she came, how much I loved her. I was ready to give up everything to keep my baby. I even arranged a place that I could move in with my 25 yr old friend because I knew my parents would give the options: Put her up for adoption, or leave.
4. I carried her for almost five months (amazingly only three people knew, all people I had confided in, my stomach didn't grow much) When I lost her.... I cried for days and days.. I knew that she was gone. I loved her so much, and I just felt so empty and alone without her inside me. I went and stayed at my friends house for about two weeks and she helped me through everything. But to this day I miss my baby. I wanted to be a mom so bad. One of the people who knew about the baby was a guy that I have been friends with since I was very young. He loves me and I love him, and we've helped each other through everything. He told me that he would tell everybody that it was HIS baby. He does have money. Lots of money. He already has a house. He was willing to give up everything for me and my baby and accept it as his own child.... then she was gone.  weep.gif   I hope this helps... I have never posted this story anywhere, the only people that even know it happened were the three that I mentioned above.

 

I am very new to this, so please bear with me.  I have experienced pregnancy through rape twice. Once at the age of 16 and again 2 months ago at the age of 35.  I will answer the questions twice, the first time as myself at 16 and the second as me at 35, hope it makes sense!!
1. Absolutely terrified,sick,alone,violated.
2. Basically the same but with an impending sense of doom. I was in a violent relationship and knew that he would be unhappy.
3) I changed from feelings of loathing to love over time. I became very protective of my bump and would wrap my arms around myself in defense of my partner. I felt it was my mission to protect and love my baby no matter what.I did not however have enough strength to leave.
4) I managed to protect my little girl until I was 5 months pregnant. Her dad flew into a rage one afternoon and threw me across the room.  I smashed my back into the radiator and went into labour. Hope lived for an hour before we both lost our fight.  I was and still am devastated. I couldn't hand her over after she had passed and had to be sedated for them to take her. I don't know what happened to her after that, but not a day goes by that I don't think of her.
For 35:
1. Devastated, alone, dirty, like the rape was never ending.
2. Why me, not again (it was the same father, he had tracked me down and raped me) what do I tell my 3 children, will my husband cope.
3. I was 4 weeks pregnant when it was confirmed and only continued another week, I felt that I was in my own universe, no one could help, no one could hear me. I decided to abort.
4. It was my decision to abort as the other options seemed far too complicated and I still hadn't dealt with the rape itself. It is the worst decision I have ever made,I feel guilt for taking a life, I feel like my crime is worse than His, There are no words just emptiness.

 

I may be a little different. I don't know who fathered my daughter. It was either my boyfriend at the time or my rapist.
1. I was in denial. I was 16 and refused to believe that I could be pregnant.
2. I was scared. I was at the doctor for an unrelated reason when the Dr. ran test and told my mom that I was pregnant. I cried and told her I had been raped. She didn't believe me. I was about 5 1/2 months pregnant at that time.
3. Hard to explain. I hated myself. But I loved her more than anything ever. I wanted the best for her. I knew the best was not me. When she was born I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Before I was discharged from the hospital and got to hold her for the last time it felt as if my heart was being ripped from my body. :bawling: as I type this so many years later. That night was the first suicide attempt.
4. does not apply.
When she was 16, with her parents consent, she looked for me. There are not words to express the joy I felt that she wanted to meet me. I have met her and been a part of her life for some time now. She is a mom herself now. She is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She has never asked about who her birth father is and I pray she never does.  I know you didn't ask about the last part here but just wanted to share. 

 

1. I denied it. I did not think I could get pregnant. I was led to believe that is was impossible.
2. I was shocked, I started drinking alot and doing crazy things to keep from going crazy.
I thought how could this happen. What am I going to do. I wanted to die. I felt that it was his way
of controlling me.
3. My feelings did not change. I was 7 weeks when I terminated the pregnancy.
4. I was relieved. I was still depressed and suicidal at the time. I still wish I had a support system. Maybe things would have been different. But I hope I can be forgiven.

 

1. The first few kicks... I suddenly realized I wasn't getting fat, that there was indeed something inside of me. I tried to call BF, and I ended up cowering out.
2. Very scared, alone, wanted to curl up into a shell and pretend it never happened; BF made me get a test after I denied myself for seven months, and had an obvious belly, and made me explain to him where it was from.
3. I've accepted him and now love him dearly, but I know I can't keep him.
4. I didn't lose him, he's very healthy considering he got no prenatal care until third trimester.
I feel... at a loss. The incident seems like it doesn't matter anymore, I just want to give my world to him and I can't because we are, as a couple, in a bad spot and to keep him would be cruel to him, with no money, space, no resources... but I wish so much I could. He's a part of me, I don't care what happened.

 

1. I was terrified, to say the least. The space that I was in when I missed my first period was a very dangerous and scary place. I was completely alone, isolating myself from everyone around me, and trying to make sure that I could do everything to forget what had happened to me. I had fallen deep into drug addiction to cope with my problems, so there were times before I discovered I was pregnant that I was completely unaware of what was taking place in the world around me. And that was exactly the state I wanted and chose to be in. After missing my first period, I stopped using altogether right away. That threw my body into a really awful time of withdrawal as well as adjusting to the thought of potentially being pregnant. Once my second period was due and passed, I decided it was time to confirm my fears. Essentially, I was terrified because I knew this child would be a product of rape. In my mind, a child could only come from love, and a child coming from anything else could never function normally. And because I was so terribly torn in my own mind, body and spirit, I didn't foresee myself ever being able to properly take care of a child, let alone take care of myself well enough to have that child progress through a pregnancy healthily and normally. I had many fears, and very few wonderful, happy thoughts running through my mind.
2. After confirming that I was pregnant, I saw it as an opportunity to finally live not for myself, but for another. That meant that anything unhealthy I had been previously involved in would have to stop (and it had after first suspecting I was pregnant). This was the only way I thought of the growing child inside of me, as a means of 'quitting' and finding a way to be 'healthy' within myself again. I didn't (and still don't) believe in accidents, and I believed that I was meant to carry this child, and have it. I certainly considered termination, but ultimately discovered that it wasn't right for me. It wasn't until my third trimester that I finally considered the child growing inside of me to be mine.

3. As I mentioned in the previous question, I did not make a connection between me and my child until my third trimester. I carried on in a very robotic way, not really processing things in a holistic way. Finally, in my third trimester, I started to consider the child growing within me to be mine. It was then that I started to form the strong bond a mother forms with her child during pregnancy. It was then that I started considering my life after my child was born and it was then that I realized that the life within me was a product of rape, yes, but was more importantly, a product of me. It took a very long time to reconcile that thought within me, and it's something I struggled with for a good year after my daughter was born.

I chose to keep my child, and everyday I'm thankful I did. It was a struggle, and I understand every point of view, and every possible way of dealing with a rape-related pregnancy because I really feel as though I went through all of the motions, and cycled through all of the possibilities and thoughts imaginable. Ultimately, I was meant to carry my child, I was meant to give birth to her, and I was meant to be her mother, and I wouldn't change that for the world. That doesn't mean it still isn't hard sometimes, and that doesn't mean I didn't struggle, it just means that my daughter is much more then just the product of a terrible situation. She is my world, and she, like me, is so much more then just what happened to me. 

 

1. I was scared, confused, petrified (my abuser intentionally got me pregnant). I didn't get my pregnancy confirmed until I was almost seven months along.
2. I felt very protective of my child once I got the sonogram photos telling me that he was a healthy baby. I wanted to keep my baby even though there was outside pressure for me to put him up for adoption. 
3. I remember being hungry a lot and watching my body change faster each day. My abuser told me that I shouldn't get too fat and tried to starve me by putting me on a strict diet. 
4. I raised a perfectly healthy son who is now looking forward to going to college soon. I never regretted my decision to keep him, even though he looks a lot like my rapist. I came to terms with the fact that he is my son, and my rapist will never, ever get a chance to come near him. 

1. Denial. Disbelief. Ignorant. 
2. Numb. Empty. Detached.
3. Hatred. Annoyance. I never wished harm on her. Eventually, when she was a month old, I realized that my feelings were misdirected, and eventually turned to love and admiration and mama bear status!
4. Not Applicable
I chose to keep my baby, despite how detached I felt about her, and for me, it was the best choice I made. I had to realize that my feelings weren't towards her, but him, and I did. Now, despite her being just shy of 2, I am really really happy and she helped me heal in ways I cant put in words. I learned what love is again, and how to move on, and how to reach for the moon, instead of hiding.  

1. I was scared shitless, tried to pretend it didn't happen as I was only 18 at the time.
2. It was never confirmed, it was confirmed when I lost the baby through a miscarriage
3. They didn't, I just got more scared, confused and worried.
4. Relieved that I didn't have to make the decision my self, guilty that I wished the baby dead, annoyed and frustrated that the decision had been made for me.

 

 

 

Photos from Cepolina

 

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