When I first remembered becoming pregnant through rape and having a miscarriage, I felt so very hurt, confused and alone. I searched the internet to see if there was anyone else who might understand, who'd gone through what I had. But most of the sites about pregnancy loss just made me feel worse.
They talked about partners supporting one another in grief, but I had rapists instead. They talked about how wanted the child was and about trying again, but I hoped never to be in that situation again, and I felt so bad for thinking that when my heart ached so much with grief at the same time. I read these pages and I thought, "but it's different for them, it's not their fault". So many of us feel guilty about being raped and, if we lose the baby, guilty for not having wanted it in the first place and for all the mixed feelings that go with pregnancy through rape.
I did read one thing that helped me - people often seem to feel responsible and to blame whether or not they've become pregnant through rape, and regardless of the circumstances in which they lose their little one. I think it's a natural human instinct for a parent to feel responsible for, and want to protect and nurture, their child. Even when circumstances are beyond our control, we feel responsible.
But I want to say it loud and clear - we are no more responsible for what happened, or is happening to us, than those parents who freely chose to have a baby. We are innocent. We are not to blame. This applies if you've had a termination too. You did not choose this situation and you chose the best you could from options that were bad because of your rapist/s, not because of you. You have just as much right to grieve your losses as anyone else does. If you're a partner, family member or friend of someone who's become pregnant through rape and lost their little one, you have every right to grieve too. We all do.
I don't want anyone else to feel as alone and alienated as I felt. I hope this website will help by connecting you with information and reactions from people who are, or have been, in similar situations to your own. I'm deeply grateful for the people who've been brave enough to share their reactions with me, so I can share them with you. They are generous spirits and I salute them.
The site is structured by stages of pregnancy and pregnancy loss and issues that might be relevant to you. Each section contains links to resources, information and support, as well as reactions, feelings and thoughts from others who've shared that experience. I've also shared some more detailed information about my own experiences, including how I've remembered my own little ones, which I hope might give you ideas about ways to find some peace and comfort in your grief. I've included a guest-book for you to add your thoughts and feelings about your own experiences, and any comments that you have. If you'd like more information you can use the contact page. There's a set of index pages listing all the links on the website. There's also a separate page with links that might help if you're in a crisis.
I wish I could make this site both clear and comprehensive! It's hard enough finding your way around services and support, let alone doing it in such traumatic circumstances. Unfortunately, there's only so much I can cover. But I hope to give you some ideas and places to start that will, at least, make the process a bit easier. The phone book's a good place to start to look for services and support in your local area. You can also use the pages here as examples to guide your internet search for resources in your local area.