Rape-Related Pregnancy and Pregnancy Loss

About Me - First Miscarriage, Age 14

Warning for distressing content and graphic details.

Home town, My Parents Bedroom, Rape Preceding Miscarriage 1, “When I was 13” –

My sister and partner witnessed me flashbacking this and the clean-up afterwards.  My granddad raped me with his penis, choked me, and raped me with his belt buckle, so that the hook caught as he yanked the belt.  That hurt a lot and caused bleeding.  I slipped in the bath trying to clean the blood up and gave myself a big bruise around my genital area.  I bathed in salt from the kitchen.  I remember dashing to and fro without clothes trying to make sure no one saw me.  My mother and Grandma and Granddad had gone to church.  Granddad left his shoes at the end of the bed, so he could go quickly.  I remember waiting till I was sure the car was gone before I was brave enough to go and try and get cleaned up.  My dad was working outside in the garden, doing some watering, I think.  There was a lot of blood from what Granddad had deliberately done with the belt.  I remember spending a lot of energy focusing on the picture on the other wall, which had fishing nets in it that were very detailed to trace with my eyes.  The picture is now hanging at my parents’ place and everyone remembers it being on that wall.  The choking part of it was once mostly a demonstration of what would happen if I tried to call out.  I remember the look in Granddad’s eyes of warning about that.  He stroked my neck afterwards, gently, but with menace to remind me that I belonged to him and whether I breathed or not was his choice.  So I stayed very quiet.  When I flashbacked this I was caught in a loop with body memories where I couldn’t breathe, passed out, came to again, recovered a little, reacted as if I was being raped and felt the pain, then started choking again and passed out, over and over.  That went on for 9 hours, every 5-10 minutes or so … my partner stayed with me.  Eventually I snapped because I didn’t have any way to make it stop and felt I just couldn’t go through the experience of being raped and choked over and over again.  I was so terrified ….  I didn't know my grandfather had ever raped me before that.  At last I went into shock, thought about it and decided I couldn't ever go through that again.  I apologised to my boyfriend, told him I loved him and it wasn't his fault, whispered "please stop me", then went for all the pills in my bathroom cabinet (deadliest first - not a biochemist for nothing) and fought till he took them all away.  Then later in the night he fell asleep, exhausted, and I snuck past him.  He woke up to the sound of me opening the knife drawer and took the knife away.  I still feel so bad about that.  It feels like there was some real intent to deceive him, though I was so numb I didn't know it at the time.  I was dissociated.  The next day I had calmed down a little and I agreed with my sister and her husband that I needed to be hospitalized.  I stayed in the voluntary unit for 2 weeks after that and sorted out that I would need to accept these experiences and that the only way out was through.  This was the first full penile-vaginal rape I remembered and I found it very hard to deal with.  It was also associated with my first pregnancy and miscarriage.

Home town, Summer Camp, School Holidays -   

Two of my friends and I went on a Christian summer camp in the summer holidays.  When I was there we were playing cards and I suddenly started losing bits of time and playing several hands behind.  My friends were puzzled and they certainly remember this.  I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and got things in the wrong order, spitting the water out on the floor instead of in the sink.  I seemed to have a temperature, but no other symptoms except feeling so strange and detached and unconnected with things around me and missing bits of time like that.  So I spent a while in bed and eventually felt better enough to get up and function again, though not really much better physically.  I was very, very tired.  I think that this would not have been long after my grandparents visited that year and I was raped.  I think this might have been me being traumatized, rather than ill.

Home town, Year 9 Science Excursion, Miscarriage 1 –

I didn’t write this down when I first made the connection because I’d always remembered the actual events, just not interpreted them in the light of having been raped (which I didn’t remember).  My period was a little late (about a week and a half I think, possibly more) and it was usually quite regular at 4 or 5 weeks.  I’d also had some cramps that morning, so I was already wearing a pad (one of those old thick ones, without wings).  But as the morning at school started I felt sicker and sicker and by the time the bus got to the beach I really needed to go to the toilet … I was feeling that I was bleeding a lot and soaking through the pad very quickly too.  I remember changing my pad in the toilet and being surprised at just how much blood there was, and also that it was thicker and clottier than usual.  I felt very, very sick, but I thought it was just my period and I should soldier on – so I took a Naprogesic and we started walking along the beach.  As we walked I felt worse and worse – in a lot of pain and detaching very much, feeling dizzy and unreal.  My friend asked me what the matter was and I told her I had period cramps.  She was sympathetic and we all kept walking.  But I got more and more pale-green apparently, and I eventually went a little distance from everyone else and threw up, then I covered it up with sand and just sat there, really blanking out and in so much pain it was hard to move.  My friends were puzzled about me hiding being sick and the way I was reacting … I was usually so much more engaged with people round me, even if I felt sick.  They called a teacher, but by then we were about half-way through the long walk and there was no other way to get off the beach because of the cliffs and the rocky plateau.  So I had to walk the whole way to the next beach and Long Beach was a very, very long beach for me.  The teacher and my friends encouraged me along and I was sort of dazed and just determined … there was no other way.  But I nearly fainted a few times and was all hot and cold and cramping and very nauseous.  I was also bleeding a lot and there was nowhere to change my pad … I think I actually asked if I could stop at one point and change my pad with no one looking and a teacher stayed behind with me and looked the other way so I could … I’m not totally sure about that bit.  Anyway, I was very bloody and also feeling very pale and sick.  I can remember vividly still how it felt.  But I thought it was just a very, very bad period … since I didn’t know I’d been raped and a miscarriage wasn’t there in the list of options.  My mum used to have very bad periods as a child, and I thought perhaps it was just a stage in maturing (since I was just 14 and hormones etc. were changing).  When we got to the end of the beach the teachers found a phone and called my mum and she came and picked me up and I went home to bed.

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