Rape-Related Pregnancy and Pregnancy Loss

The Lost Ones

I wrote this poem a while ago about my grandfather and the little ones I lost.

There you are
Little scraps of light
Little glimpses of great love
Little pieces of my heart
Alive though you never lived
Or did you?
Real, fundamental

Where are you?
So lost
So full of twisted cruelty
I gave you pieces of my heart
And your more-than-death
Swallowed them too
Empty, hollow

How could one come from the other?
How could I be your meeting place
Light and darkness both blinding
How?
And what am I?

I need forgiveness too
I am not perfect
I gave you all I could
But it slipped through your fingers
Like your children slipped through mine

I wanted to save you both
I wanted to save me
Did I do that?
Was it always about me?
Is that wrong?

My love
Oh, my love
Wasted
Was it wasted?
Were you ever there to touch?
Or were you always lost?

I miss you
I am glad you’re gone
I wish you had been
I wish you never were

But wishing you gone is
Wishing my own life more than gone
-         never even here
So tonight I am not here either
Not even my tears.