Please be aware this section contains content that may be upsetting, including some graphic details.
The Short Story:
I was abused, raped and tortured by my grandfather and his "mates" (with the help of my grandmother) from when I was a baby till his last attack when I was 24. I'm 35 now. I've always remembered some of what happened. But, until both my grandparents had died, I had traumatic amnesia for almost all of it. My grandfather died at the end of 2001 and my grandmother in mid-2004. Memories started flooding back in 2005. It's been a rough ride for my then-boyfriend now-husband and me, as well as family and friends. Remembering the little ones I've lost and how I lost them has been perhaps the hardest thing of all.
I was 12 the first time I became pregnant through rape. My grandfather and his friends (one of whom was a doctor) induced labour in second-trimester. I lost my little daughter. When I was 13 I had another forced abortion, earlier in pregnancy. I was pregnant twice when I was 14 and lost both my little ones to spontaneous miscarriages. When I was 15 I had a second-trimester miscarriage. I told my grandfather about it and he got off on it and raped me, putting me in a "pregnancy position" and telling me that he'd cut the next one from me and torture it to death in front of my eyes, while I was dying from the wound. I went to a Catholic school and one day after that we were talking about abortion in class. I wasn't fully aware that I was pregnant. I'd blocked all memory of the rape, so I thought it wasn't possible. I'd never had consenting sex with anyone. I came home after school, dissociated, and wondered "how that backyard abortion coat hanger thing worked". So I tried it. I had some bleeding and was very confused. It's possible the external trauma to my cervix caused me to have a delayed miscarriage - a labour-like experience in second trimester. I became pregnant again at 17. My grandfather drugged and tortured me, intending to cause a miscarriage. I had another labour-like miscarriage in second trimester and lost my little one.The More Complete Version:
If you want to know more about my experiences and understand better the process of recovering memories, there are detailed accounts of my pregnancies, pregnancy losses and reactions when I remembered on these pages. You can also see the page here about Recovering Memories. .